i love my nephew.

for this moment, i realized, i am so in love with him. he means everything to me, and i swear i would shower him with all the love i have in me.




his tiny hands, his mischievous grins, his children tantrums, his cries, his snores are all bits and pieces of the happiness puzzle he makes up in my life.

i just want to say that, i wish i have enough time to watch him grow and live his life, and i will be there to guide him so he will never have to fall and go through the pain i went through. suddenly, i feel like i am becoming a parent because all these are what my parents did for me. the pain in me, causes the pain in them.

he makes me want to set up a family for myself immediately because i know that that is the ultimate goal that i wish to accomplish. it is good driving around your family car, filled with laughter and cries, than having to drive alone, listening to my occasionally boring songs playing on my i-pod. it feels warmth having to know that you return to a home whereby someone awaits for you.

i feel like i am entering an age that i am desiring to settle down. but then, i just feel that it takes forever to get to know the person who is sitting across the table dining with you. life has somewhat becomes more superficially demanding than before and inevitably, i become very wary of what approaches me.

i just feel that everyone in this world lives in a facade. right behind those masks which they hide their true emotions, lie a story that he/she is reluctant to share. We tend to present the best images, appearing to be happy, but then again, we forsaken the fact that we are constantly living in a delusional state. it just feels really miserable to be in this predicament, and i feel like, i can never touch the person in within because of the layers of impenetrable camouflage applied to disguise themselves.

perhaps this is also an issue in me. i am just too defensive. but then again, after going through all these excruciating pain and lessons, i just did not want to allow myself to follow through the same sequence. anyway, i just find it so tiring to know a person all over again like i used to know that character in my book of history.

are we not already jaded by how these cycles that keeps itself repeating each time?

people judge, and sometimes, we, being so selfish, we instigate and demand the world to revolve around ourselves, but negated the fact that we are not the sole players coexisting in this dimension of ours. we did not realize that not only can we feel the pain, the others around, can sense the unbearable ache which is scarring itself in them. it is like Newton's third law, a reaction pair of equal forces acting on two different bodies in the opposite direction.

we asked for so much, and yearned for all we could, but then we did not realize on the other side, the opposite party's story. and then, we start to grip and grouse, and comment on them that are out to deliberately hurt that someone that you know it matters.

it is just so cliche, and so prevalent and i get so sicked, and tired of this entire process. i just learnt to be nonchalant, and no longer bothered.

it has been two years and i still am at where i remain, not because i believe in something that is no longer there, but it is just that i am so exhausted to lift my leg and take the next step. also, i have seen the uglier side of humans too often, it pushes me away from everything.

being popular is not exactly the best thing to be and i know how it feels now.

sometimes i wish i would return to the days i was 105kg, a fat slob whereby everybody detested, at that point of time, that one friend who was there, was sufficiently enough for me to stay happy, and hopeful. today, people misunderstands and misjudges me, and even comment on things that are based on groundless facts. these has probably just made me so cold towards everything that goes around me.

life, and the callous truth, has made me an automaton.

william goldings was in fact immaculate that humans are evil from in within, when the civilisation depletes and diminishes, they start to show their true colours.

i used to recall myself loathing that book, lord of the flies, because i thought the author was utterly wrong, but then again, maybe he is correct in certain ways.

this is living.