finally my murderous examinations have come to an end, and my flustered heart has found serenity, and peace.

my winter holidays have at last, reached my doorsteps.

it took me close to a day to arrive at Vancouver, with a transit in Taipei.

the only torture; long flight, and insufficient legroom for a monster like me, will result one to suffer from extreme body aches after landing.

the cold weather here, -7 degrees, reminds me of the days i was back in Shanghai. The only difference is, i am not alone. i am glad Sealion accompanied me here and even went all the way to visit my already old and wrinkled granny when we were transiting in Taiwan given the short time we had.

i miss the air back home in my hometown.

i miss my family.

and i miss the food.

somehow, i cannot write anymore as i am drowned in the million emotions and thoughts running about in me that i no longer know what to say. it is like you know how it feels, but it's unspeakable, and inexplicable. if only i could steal a piece of my thought and play it on a video, but reality does not permit.

nonetheless, i guess, i could only say, at the very least, i am happier now, even though it appears as though i have vanished into thin air.

sometimes, it is just plain beautiful, to live a simpler life.

my day sunk as the most tragic event has to take place in my life:(

i lost my beloved wallet, which means everything to me as it was a gift.

thankfully, sealion made me smile again with two surprises.

i wish Singaporeans could be kinder to me by returning me just the wallet and my polaroid photos. the last time i recalled i picked up a wallet, i sent it to the neighbourhood police post. i thought what comes around, should go around.

ARGH.

daddy asked me about the progress of my examinations and i was stumped for words.

then mummy on the side said, "he's too distracted with other matters than SCHOOL WORK."

how kind, she knows i have problems focusing and she still bought me a new nintendo and psp.

her actions are extremely contradictory.

pouts.

a random thought struck me as i sit next to my windows, glazing out at the beautiful warm sky, drinking my manuka honey drink which sealion bought for me.

everyone deserves a second chance.

everyone makes mistakes.

everyone has a history.

it is not as if something bad has happened in my life which has caused this sudden out of the blue idea to appear in my mind but maybe because everything for me now is going back on track and i finally realized what is more consequential, and what is not.

nothing can change whatever that has happened, but the future is in the grasp of our own hands.

maybe the world will become a better place to live in if we all learn from the silly mistakes we made and understand the true meaning of what forgiving and forgetting is all about.

i enjoy and embrace my new life as Teddy Christian Zeng.

sometimes, things may not necessarily appear gloomy even though all deem to be negative because out there in the grey clouds, there is always a silver lining shining its way through. out of the all the mishap, you will get to see the that there is always hope.

from 1 Corinthians: there are three things that last, faith, hope and love; and the greatest of these is love.

life is disgusting, especially when it is plagued with examination questions that are almost implausible to solve.

i thought i made the wrongest decision in my life, and that was to take up the path of being an engineer. if i had knew that the fate of it would be so disastrous, i would have taken up some communication course, and not forcing my way through to follow into the footsteps of my beloved father.

i guess my results for this semester would be an easy word to describe and it would be, "screwed".

now, i only wish my winter holidays would drop by faster so that i do not have to breathe each day with stress and depression.

:(

two more papers, and two more disappointment.

i wish someone would kidnap me by before Friday so that i can skip my upcoming killer papers which are probably going to send me straight to hell for my immolation.

how embarrassing.

i think i am going to be grilled so badly on the firestones that i will most likely be beyond recognition.

anyway, thank you you Christopher for being my god parent and came for my baptism mass.

you were fantastic. although you stood up at times you were not supposed to and sat down at times you were not supposed to.

haha.

anyway, for the kidnappers', please kindly release me by 8th december so that i can go for my holiday at Vancouver!

whee!

i tested mummy's reaction today.

outcome : Disastrous.

me: "妈，我退学来帮你做你的生意好吗？“

mummy gave me the almost devouring me expression : "你在跟我开玩笑吗？” (if only i had my polaroid or video camera to record down that instant.)

me : "当然啦！“

actually, i meant it.

darn.

attempt failed. i have to pull it through this arduous journey of mechanics and free body diagrams.

i'm vexed, frustrated, livid and jaded.

ARGH.

i detest studying.

it makes me fat as i keep eating to keep my eyes wide open.

it makes me feel imbecile because nothing appears comprehensible.

it makes me feel like i am greying.

CURSE.

examinations are commencing in less than two weeks time and i am still not feeling the kick yet.

darn.

my favourite phrase to my friends now each time i "attempt" to start studying, "let's quit school and start some business."

everyone laughed.

kns.

school is a total bitch.

TY sealion.

a quiet getaway from Singapore to celebrate my birthday.

the surprise was the stay at a seaside resort at Desaru, Johore Bahru. Although the sea is nothing comparable to those that one can experience at Maldives whereby the waters are so blue and crystal clear, but i supposed, it was good enough, to make me smile.

there were no loud speakers flaunting its bass and abilities to deafen one's ears, but there were noises of the sea gushing against the shores. there were no strong wind breathing from the air-condition that chills the entire place, but there were the sea breeze which gave the air around an unique scent. there were no crowds and loud celebration, just us, walking by the beach.

i had one of my dream fulfilled in this trip.

i finally get to see a full rainbow right ahead in front of me, on the beach. it was so resplendent and somehow, i just cannot recall when was the last time i ever saw the seven colors displaying its beauty in front of me. in fact, i had never seen one full rainbow, whereby i could see both ends and miraculously, i get to share and catch the glimpse of this special moment with you.

life had suddenly took a sharp turn and became slower and i could not sense the time ticking away. the day and night walks by the sea was an inexplicable joy. for a moment, i wished i never had to return to the callous reality for this place somehow barricades all my sorrows and troubles away.

i am so in love with the hungry sea, the glaring sun, the quiet moon, and the glittering stars.

thank you for making a cake for me.
thank you for the wallet you got for me in August. (a present in advance.)
thank you for the bose sound system you got for my new room.
thank you for the birthday card you wrote for me outside the lecture theatre.
thank you for everything you have done so far to make me smile.
thank you sealion.


PS: the black pepper crab has caused me stomach cramps for days:(

thank you all for making my birthday a memorable one.

although it was not exactly so much of a BLAST, or a one week's celebration, i was glad that i had a simple and a happy one.

Sealion was away but promised me a surprise when returned. :)

i love the three huge spongebob helium balloons- thank you Zx
i love the polaroid camera - thank you Iris, J, H
i love the customize cap - thank you R
i love the puzzle made up with my photos - thank you Wy
i love the cash rewards - thank you mummy, daddy, kor and jie.


lastly, i love those sweet messages from those who had sent me their kind blessings:)

thank you all.

i waited for yours, you did not.

and so as i thought this was one of the best opportunity we had left but i supposed we will just be this way as you wish.

I SWEAR I WILL NEVER USE THE HANDICAPPED TOILET EVER.

THAT DARN LOCK WAS SPOILT.

i was defecating comfortably on the seat with my pants off, some woman opened my door and she saw my BUTT.

my god.

i FEEL VIOLATED.

lesson learnt.

shit smartly.

i think i have an overdosed of caffeine.

i am so exhausted and the deprivation of sleep makes the effect of the coffee almost negligent.

i feel like vomiting.

i detest school, quizzes, reports, assignments, and projects.

school is a bitch.

i love spontaneous ideas.

just like how we decided to forgo the two movie tickets we have bought and drive to Kuala Lumpur at midnight.

it was insane and we nearly had to sleep on the streets and the traffic police was been anal, trying to blackmail me just because i was going in the opposite direction. darn the stupid and almost none existence road signs. thankfully the hotel was good, and almost comparable to Ritz Carlton, one of my favorite hideout in Singapore.

and guess what, the best catch was, the stay was only S$148.

YAY!

another happy day:)

Singapore is becoming so dull and unappealing.

you made me smile again.

thank you.

i knew i was expecting a form of surprise, but i could not figure out what it exactly was until i saw what was laid on my car's windscreen.

thank you for your silly gift.

:)

NUGENO bioessence!

so exciting!

my photoshoot for NUGENO is out and there you go, it's so small, i almost looked insignificant. but the nugeno representatives were really nice and suggested that they might want me to do some form of "selling" the product with 林峰 when he comes to Singapore year end!

whee!

anyone can see, my brains are officially dead.

because i can actually type three entries within a matter of hours instead of forcing the complex knowledge of the physics and etc into my own personal memory card that is attached at the back of my head.

bravo.

i miss my BED.

i just realized i do not like watching too many movies, especially those with influence from the west.

somehow they depict sex as something too loose and marriage looks vulnerable and fragile and even though you might have everything you dream of of an impeccable family, your "thing" in our pants still wriggle out to taste the forbidden fruits.

i feel so darn insecure and uncertain of eternal partnership.

what i feel is, do what you want to do when you are single, but when you are not, stick it to the same "hole" or the same "bird".

pardon my crudeness.

i'm getting too old to do the once thought to be fun study plan; overnight camping at some fast food eateries to do mugging.

perhaps it has nothing to do with the jumping of numbers as the years go by, but just myself losing my focus, and my aim to succeed with better grades.

R and i are thinking of quitting school.

and i thought maybe it is time i should steer my vision to my mother's business, her home bakery which is a rather lucrative deal. after all, Food and beverage trait has always been a good earn.

then again, i am certain my folks would want to attend my convocation ceremony.

BANG. there goes the bursting of my dreaming bubble. :(

kill me.

but maybe all hope is not gone because my lecturer just told me that half the cohort tried escaping from the math quiz.

so there is the slight silver lining in the clouds that i am not the only one who is struggling to breathe in MAE.

maybe.

operation mugging was supposed to kick off today.

but the most unfortunate event had to take off and now i am down with swallowing three pills after each meal, or alternatively, every six hours, to keep the heat burning in my body sustain.

i am having fever.

38.0 was the highest it went.

the giddiness made my studying almost stagnant.

all seemed to stuck outside my brains.

i loathe falling ill.

darn the weather.

darn the heat.

i want to be in the north pole, where the the snow is, with the polar bear, and of course the sealion.
sigh:(

if i am a millionaire myself, with an infinite of money for me to spend, i would buy a ticket to fly each time you are required to be in the skies.

or wait, maybe, i would just buy you back from that organization, and kidnap you in my wardrobe.

the bouquet, is all i can give now.

an intention to speak.

i want no celebration although the day which i was so excited about one year back is coming so close. somewhere around in my fried brains, i just felt like there is no more reason for me to throw a drunkard's party.

i supposed i am no longer drinking my guts out and dancing my butts off. the blasted birthday which i had been waiting for is ceased.

sian.

i feel so unsurprised.

thank you for throwing me a memorable one week's party last year. i just realized i hadn't sincerely thank the fantastic four for that.

maybe i will just go to the airport and check out any available flights to fly me away depending on god's decision for me.

surprise me, god.

Manual cars can a chore to drive.

but then again, if it's the "seed of love", maybe it can be endurable like they say.

see the new car we invest and deal with the risks.

intriguing.

Darn.

my friend just called me Ris Low just because i asked if i had to wear Nike Shoes + Attire if i were to take part in the Nike Live Run.

Argh.

classic.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FrrIgR8xkwU

just saw this really nice clip from my friend's facebook profile.

it's so beautiful.

:)

a sudden insane impulse thought, and i stripped my hair so short it almost appears bald.

my friends thought that i was a jailbird just released, the others thought i was an army boy, while the rest was just pure devilish laughter.

the best i have heard so far, the only one in fact, was that my childhood days were returned to me.

i guess i have fallen into the indefinite abyss of severe depression after i see my personal reflection in my mirror which almost disintegrated into millions of pieces hanging from the bathroom in my room.

and my resolution is, i will ensure myself to fit into my headgear for the next two months before hair starts to grow and i look more human than an ape trying to devour all the bananas hanging on the tress and catching fleas for my similar species on the trunks.

Sea lion was so kind and silly, offering to go bald too to make me feel better so as to let me know that i am never to be alone in the rocking boat. although i know it is an implausible thing to ever happen, i supposed the thought itself was well spoken of.

thank you.

sometimes when it comes to loving someone, it is not about seeing someone's perfection and swooning over it, but it is more of coming to the acceptance of that someone's flaws. it is an easy chore to come to an agreement with someone's positive points but it is also easier to get put off with just one tiny winy little blemish and that is when you come to the unkind realization that maybe you just did not love that shadow casting next to you enough to be able to share the same bed, the same dining table, the same path of life together till the end of time.

this is how the magical love works. everything that was once unbearable, becomes endurable in your complicated lonely heart. every act which appears imbecile to the entire world, will deem silly and adorable to you, and only in your eyes.

love, is an inexplicable emotion which till now, leaves me with numerous question marks on how it even exists. but then again, although it is still an unresolved issue to many of us, i supposed god has his reasons to implant it in us and thankfully, with it, our lives become slightly more adventurous and happier. although i cannot deny through the walks of our lives, thorns of the roses do prick, but i always had this belief that someone out there, at the other end of the world awaits for your search, and your hand.

never give up, because each obstacles teach you lessons you need to know, to meet the immaculate one who will be willing to walk down this aisle with you indefinitely. after all, nothing falls off from the sky freely.

i hope my optimism will keep me surviving long because i know there was once, i lost faith.

on a separate issue, i really wish i could turn back time to the happy times whereby four of us were together. but i guess that this time round, i would rather put a halt to all and stop breathing as it appears to me, all is fruitless to me.

all the best to you, and your future endeavors.

i guess this is right.

"what is changed, cannot be undone. what's undone, cannot be changed."

fly, and soar as high as you can because you should know that your potential is beyond that boundless sky. do not let others distort your judgment. anyway it is good knowing that you are doing great.

:)

sob:(

Fann Wong is getting married today.

i hope Christopher Lee will treat her real nice, because her die hard fan( hereby refers to me) since my primary school days will murder him for mistreating my favorite FANN.

kill me. i am listening to her classic SONGS.

sigh:(

can anyone remember THIS SONG?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ol0klLJbCcc

it was the BIG THING at my era and i was swooning over her.

i will glue myself to her wedding tomorrow, on my TELEVISION of course.

welcome to my new room, i have a new 42 inch flat screen.

whee!

PS: hey gorgeous people! TIME TO MEET YES?!

i miss my Sea Lion.

mummy made me smile today.

she got me an upright grand piano.

and she told me, if i were to pick up my piano again, and attain the grade eight certificate like my sister, she will get me the grand piano in our living room so that when i play resplendent tunes of different legendary musicians, i can impress everyone better.

finally, i am back on track with something i have been hoping to do for years but was forbidden due to lack of time.

but i guess that lack of time is an excuse and should not be implemented.

we tend to find excuses in everything we do so we could at least find a short term relief from it. but then why should we when ultimately, we will have to face it again unless we intend to just leave it stagnant as it is.

there are things i wished i could do.

next on my list, VIOLIN.

whee!

i had no idea why.

i took the bus and train yesterday.

from east to west.

found no reasons to why i felt this extreme discontentment with myself.

daddy left himself to see his sister for the last time before she returned to ashes.

and when i saw him entered the gate himself at the airport because none of us could make it back with him to attend the funeral, the pain in me, was inexplicable.

all i could do was to send him a short message via our mobile phones,

"daddy, make sure you take of yourself when you're there. make sure your diet is fine. please call us if there's anything and come back to see a doctor regarding your hand. i am sorry i could not go with you. We love you. please take care."

i finally said the word, love. although i thought maybe if i were to tell him directly, it would be better, but i guess, to avoid any form of awkwardness to appear, i exiled that decision in my head. after all, i could not recall when was the last time i told them i love them.

:(

i need an escape.

god bless.

i feel extremely moody today.

the bad news has finally arrived and my aunt did not manage to pull it through till Christmas to see me for the last time.

she ascended to heaven, into the arms of god, on the peaceful night of 220909.

mummy came into my room in the morning, with her bloodshot eyes, and tears formed streams of river down her cheeks.

as always, daddy was solemn, and said no words. yet, from his back view, i saw the aging him, suffering from a pain, he could not explain, or let out. all he did was, to bury it with him, until one day, time serves her purpose to heal all that was once a sore to the wound.

i wanted to hug daddy, yet i did not know what i should exactly do.

i wanted to tell him, "i love him", but the thought of this declaration of my love for him, intimidated me.

somehow, my dear ones are expatriating themselves from my life one by one and it gets scary as i grow up in the process because it seems more prevalent that i see different people, who played a significant role in my life, disappearing and relinquishing from their stage.

if only time was more benevolent, and life was more kind, i would not have to go through these excruciating pain of losing anyone.

how i wish no one will ever step away from my life.

:(

teddy is sad. very sad.

time to return for the funeral to see her for the very last time. thankfully it is term break next week.

:((((((((((

ooh, and yes, did i mention, i am on a mission to transform my dearest cashy, a golden retriever into a Labrador retriever.

why?

all thanks to the long ago due movie on my must watch list that i just completed last weekend, "Marley & Me".

sorry baby, you are going bald.

i feel like an absolutely abusive, and dictative pet owner.

bite me.

today, i spoke to mummy and somehow, from the dictatorial voice that she uses to hide her fragile side, i could sense her pain, and her sorrow.

sometimes, i wished i come from a family who presents their love, and affection for one another more explicitly, so each time, i could figure out easily, their love, and warmth for me and saves me the hassle to guess what lingers upon in their massive thoughts. but sadly, life is never just and the depressing truth is, the family which my lord has endowed me, is entirely the opposite from what i hoped for.

i descended into a traditional family who finds hugging, and saying "i love you", so difficult. however, although the love we have for each other has barely been openly spoken of, i managed to discover and conclude that the immense love my folks have for me, is immeasurable, and noble.

when the world collapses and everyone scatters in different direction for survival, you will realize, only your love ones, stays side by side with you, holding on tightly to your hands, and protect you from the falling sky.

someway, somehow, i know i am proud of my mummy. A woman who came to this unfamiliar land as a total stranger, and abandoned her own comfort zone in Taiwan, to fight for a future she believed would be bright. for all she has done and accomplished, i can only tell her, she is my hero, and my pride.

she told me today that love is great and that true love perseveres in any unsightly complex situations. Giving up is never part of the story. through the arduous journeys that she has struggled through, with the Lucifer, who occasionally played by her ears, deluding her beliefs, and depleting her judgments, she never gave in for she knows her love for us, could overwhelm any hardships in her life.

the bible was immaculate, love is indeed one of the most powerful word in this world.

mummy, i love you.

that goes to you too, my sea lion.

sometimes, it just takes three words to make our life more meaningful.

Love, Hope, and Believe.

i have three quizzes upcoming next week, yet each time when i tried to start reading the first page of my lecture notes, i dozed off.

where has my tenacity to study gone to?

sometimes, i regretted missing school for the past six weeks, but then again, if i were to sit back and understand nothing in the lectures, i would rather do something which i thought was more worthy of my time.

so honestly, i had no regrets for almost appearing like i was no longer a student from Nanyang Technological University.

My laboratory report has finally been submitted after two days of delay, and though i had to say i think i did a rather fantastic job, i guess, i would be marked down for the late submission. But somehow, the grades which i aimed for, seemed less significant as compared before, not to mention this report, which only stands for one credit out of the numerous AUs that i am supposed to attain this semester.

i need to start bucking up, if i still wish to achieve the goals i have aimed in my life. by now, i should have known that, whether being in the medical school or an engineer student, i can still reach the height which i have been hoping to soar in my life.

stay with me, and fight for our dreams.

stay

Stay 因為夜太美 寂寞的月亮
需要星星陪 Stay 不管夜多黑
不管天會亮 不去想明天
 帶我飛 遠遠的 到天涯 到海角 浩瀚的
天際裡 只要有你陪 也許苦 也許甜
不害怕 不後悔 因為愛 讓我們再也分不開
(Just) Stay Stay 因為夜太美 寂寞的月亮
需要星星陪 Stay 就算是不對 就算是沉倫 錯誤也是美

i fell deeply in love this song by Fann Wong. it has been my favorite since it was realeased.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_VRzXqIp7m0

bring me away with you to the galaxy, to the stars.

i have tasted the best Sex On The Beach ever in my life.

thank you.

it's unforgettable, incredibly delicious and delightful.

WHEE!

i'm addicted.

bimbo

omg, this is possibly one of the funniest clip i ever watched on youtube. it was so hilarious that my best friend, R, and i, almost died trying to suffocate our extremely uncontrollable loud laughter in the computer laboratory.

goodness, this is the definition of the word, BIMBO.

enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-c_A7-7B7-w

AND WAIT TILL YOU SEE THIS ONE TOO!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5F74FZfdSJY&feature=related

it's with subtitles.

LOL.

i desperately need to go on a hunger strike.

ever since my trip to Hong Kong, i have gained one kilograms of LARD and as i type in this entry to grip and grouse about my gravity pull from the earth, i am still MUNCHING ON MY FAVOURITE M&M peanut BUTTER.

i need to stop my SUDDEN CRAVINGS for FOOD and my mid night snacks.

i feel like a BIG FAT SLOB.

:(

sometimes, one can just simply get so tired of explaining. but does keeping silence equate to consent? or does it has another alternative to just being a yes?

i get so jaded of having to speak, and so far, till date, even as i know so much has happened, i refused to mutter a single word so as to keep every issue that has been placed abreast as less complicated as it can get because i know, sometimes, defending oneself will only make anything more complex than translucent.

like what i always believed, time is the best solution, or even considerably the most effective medication for most problems one can face as i know, there is always a path to walk on when one reaches the junction of another road corner.

it doesn't matter to me how many people tell me about whose fault is it or whether i am labeled as the Mr Bad Guy as these does not concern me any further, not because i enjoy the limelight of being a jerk, but i know, no one has the prerogative to judge, as they are not me to say.

those who knows you well enough, will know when to trust, and when to stay by your side.

for those who doesn't, well, sad enough, you never get the whole world to be your friends, and that is probably also the best reason why they say best friends are hard to come by.

i am elated i stayed away from all those unsightly affairs, and entirely negated those unfriendly beings from making my life any further, depressing. after all, why waste my breath for i should keep it for something, which worth more than just their absurd boredom.

life is definitely, full of surprises, and human beings, are definitely amazing as each different character, tells a very different story.

this is the play of life.

sit back and enjoy the art of god.

i swear that i had consumed so much pork in hong kong that i am going to declare myself Halal for the rest of the remaining months of 2009 and i am never going to step into any Hong Kong/Macau Cafes for the next few months.

full stop.

my god, the sight of it makes me feel like regurgitating.

but an undeniable and irrefutable truth, their roast park is really F**king good. it is so crispy you can hear it cracking in your mouth as you are trying to proceed to the first step of digesting the food intake.

i miss their roasted pork and char siew.

but i hate the 1kg i put on and that means i have to spend one hour everyday on the treadmill.

now i am remorseful of the sinful yet irresistible food i devoured for the past few days.

:)

an escape to Hong Kong was probably one of the most insane thing i have planned so far in my life especially when my school semester is still ongoing and i would be missing so many consequential lessons that is required for me to at least promote to the next level of knowledge in my academic journey but just as i thought, life would be monotonous without taking certain risks, and do things that you want and desire. why set ourselves with so many restrictions when now we are already living in a world with so many constraints that sometimes we feel that we are no longer who we are.

the only reason why i might have really regretted my decision is the heat wave that swirls through the streets of this island as the afternoon sun sweeps across the land. i guess, i understand finally how summer really kills, and of course the true definition of immolation in hell. Nonetheless, it is still intriguing to see the similarities and differences between the two countries which was once both under the British Colony.

Surprisingly, the shopping did not entice me as much as i thought it would take its effect on me which on one hand, makes me rather disappointed as my extra baggage goes back empty, but on the brighter side, it saves me money, and keep the digits in my bank still rising than falling like the stock markets.

honestly, it feels good being away. the short relief that i yearned for for the past two months has finally been fulfilled. I never really understood why i decided to keep this trip stealth, but it feels good to at times, to just disappear into other dimension whereby no one knows because you feel so exhausted at the current role you are playing in your life.

i should consider doing this more often.

nothing matters, because it matters nothing.

sometimes, it is good to just be ignorant to how other things may appear or even the surroundings. complexity of an issue is best to be silently faced, and sooner or later, time will be the best solution to many problems that has arose previously.

at least in my perspective, i think my own area of comfort is the best and comfortable place i can be at. the liberty to breathe, is great, and no matter what you do, no one judges, no one comments. somehow, this decision to retreat, is the best choice made so far.

i am contented.

memories is the past, present is the future. what has past, will never take place again. what has come, is uncertain.

trust is a strong word. how much do you trust, how much can you trust? eventually when you look around, the best person to believe in, is actually you yourself and your loved ones, which in some circumstances, do not comply too.

life is never just and smooth sailing.

the callous reality awaits and this pessimism that tags along with me, actually helps at times as it does not disappoint you as much as optimism.

:)

this is getting disastrous. i foresee myself probably flunking this semester with falling colors.

in just barely a week of the commence of school, i already find myself lost in the amazon forests. kill me.

and the tutorials appear like tumultuous seas which is implausible to sail through to the next shore.

i hope the withdrawal forms are available still.

i love my mummy's new ride. makes me feel like i am the king of the road, whereby tailgating to force those road hogger to give way is redundant because the roar of your engine will push them aside to the next lane.

somehow i feel like dismantling her four exhaust pipes and fit in onto my own car, but then, the labeled AMG will not fit on my car unless it is engraved with TRD instead. this sucks.

do you love the sound of the waves brushing across the shore, the flickering of the lights from afar, the nonchalant glitter of the stars, the unrevealed emotions of the moon and the sharing of secrets between the wind and me. i love the date with the sea.

just a random thought i have been having with in my mind.

the sea actually makes a good companion in the middle of the night.

:)

i am out of the reign of the active night life.:)

the school has just started and i am already finding myself having a very tedious time trying to understand the complex equations and ideologies that were invented and written by the noble scientists decades or even centuries ago.

somehow, i have this premonition that this semester onwards, i am going to have a very hard time trying to keep up my grades, and that my intelligence, or even luck, will serve no purpose if i do not put in adequate effort to keep up with the never ending work that is flowing into my days up ahead.

the sad thing is, even before my school has officially start and school work kicks in, i am down with my acute gastric problems and high fever which made me ended up being quarantined at home for the next few days. how fantastic. my mother chooses to think that i am over exhausted due to the activities i was involved with channel eight which i feel that, has no linked to the reason why my constitution has fallen to the viral infection that has invaded my system but nonetheless, i refused to retaliate, knowing that she is the exact photocopy of me, any form of rebuttal will sparkle the third world war. i guess, i am beginning to become smarter in handling my empress dowager at home.

i practically have no time for anything and how i wish i have two more months of holidays which of course, is implausible. if possible, i would wish that i can just get my degree without having to go through so much hassle.

something random, my mother thinks that i have no more butt now because i am too thin for my size.

owells.

I forgot to mention i got a B for my Law module.

i have to thank god for nuts, because i only studied less than six hours for it and throughout the intensive lectures that was scheduled for me throughout the five weeks, i slept through half of it, skipped one quarter of the lectures, and msn throughout the one quarter left.

whee.

thankfully my prayers were answered this time.

YAY!

i crashed into bed and slept for hours after having to work for channel 8's campaign for six consecutive days in a row. it was called, Press On Singapore in translation from mandarin to english.

i swear i need to hibernate for three days to recover my initial level of strength before it was depleted.

ARGH.

i feel like escaping to an island in the middle of the ocean where no one resides, but a beautiful resort stands.

dipping into the waters whereby it reflects a translucent blue, and the skies brighten up by the radiant sun which emanates the entire world.

this world is bothersome, a place with this gorgeous image, is somewhere i hope i can indulge myself in, and for once, leave everything that taxes me back here away.

a break i yearn for, a silence i hope to hear, i just want to forget.

humans' relations are nothing but just strings entangled together. how complicated, how complex.

when they think they know, they think they really do.

when they speak because they think they understand, they do not actually really apprehend anything.

life, is dictated in a way, that sometimes, may appear rather, sad.

whee! pop the champagne because i am finally done with the DISASTROUS business law which entirely exhaust the strength i had in my hands, and fried my brains. although i have to admit i will soon start shivering in two weeks as my results will be released, i guess i should not bother too much.

honestly, i have no expectations, after all, i had only put in six hours of mugging, and in comparison to those i had surveyed before i entered that cold harsh examination hall, i think i deserve to fail.

but then again, i think my intelligence should serve me some good to hopefully, give me borderline pass and thankfully, my friend from accountancy gave me some good push with her notes. i need to pray again tonight.

surprisingly, i decided not to party and get drunk in celebration of my liberation from the apparently deemed perpetually boring module. somehow, i just got so tired of getting myself indulge in that heavily pounding music beat and bass, and the exorbitant price of the bottle hard liquor. in the end, the silent night at the beach was more enticing for me. the musical instrument, the sea breeze, was all it required for me to smile.

did i mention i did an short advertisement for my school's investment club for their gala dinner. it was an attempt to hopefully gather more year ones to attend it and i hope with my help, they can manage a kind crowd to turn up!

in fact i was rather happy that i accepted that job as it managed to allow me to gain more experience in acting, and of course, to act with the school belle, jh. it was heaven. whee!

so a preview as promised, the link is below!

http://www.vimeo.com/5726561

i am so getting tired of the party life and enjoying my days staying home. i am going to become a housewife...

sigh. i think i slept too much, i dreamt that i was SHREK. that GREEN MONSTER. i detest green, how nice if i was in pink instead, or maybe purple, so that my nephew will love me more as i look like Barney.

omg.

someone please slaughter me, and amputate me. or at least WHIP MY ASS so that i can realize how LAZY i am now.

my paper is at one in the afternoon, and now i am only halfway done with studying.

i see the demise of my Business Law Module.

F**k.

Special semester is supposedly in existence to help poor souls like me, clear more modules so that i will not be drowned by the overwhelming cores in future, and also, to help me drag my GPA up because i only have to focus on one module.

now, it does not help, and it might just send me into the pig hole.

ARGH.

this is the best example of procrastination, and A PIG in a human's disguise.

fellow friends, please take me as a good lesson learnt.

and see, i even have the time to blog.

my paper is in three days, yet, i have touched almost nothing much of the notes i am given, and the textbooks i have gotten to better equip myself for the upcoming tests.

i have to concede to the undesirable truth, i am a king of procrastination.

maybe i should lower down my standards and aim for a B+? but then again, with the amount of effort i have put, i should be thankful to god that i am even going to be awarded a B.

argh.

i am a LAZY BEAR and i am desperately in need to shed off another three kilograms off my body mass but it seems so arduous because my weight appears to be stagnant at 78! perhaps i should try Xando, which apparently helps Moses Lim lose many inches off his buoyant which will keep him alive in the sea when the plane crashes without his life jacket.

i need some solid motivation, someone please kick my ass and pull my hair to instigate me to study and start cramming some real good information i need to know about my law module into my brains before i start panicking and suffer from a black out in the examination hall.

please?

and i want my mummy's new car, especially the four exhaust pipes which go VROOM VROOM :(

my vios needs an upgrade.

this is probably the biggest shock in my life, and i swear, i almost screamed the whole Lee Wee Nam Library collapsed when my friend exposed the darkest secret of one of my Goddess i have been envying, and worshiping.

Megan Fox was a MAN.

omg.

she was previously called Mitchell Reed Fox and all these relevant information about her can be googled once you simply type in, "Megan Fox is a male."

the advance technology today has work wonders in our lives. and i cannot believe that i was once fantasizing about her and even jerked myself off thinking of her in my mind.

F**k.

not that i am against or detest Tranny, it is just that, it was a total surprise to me, she look absolutely, womanly, not at all a bit that resembles a male. and i have to admit, her plastic surgeon is really skillful, hopefully i wish i can get a doctor that good to fix my face for me since i never really like my nose.

that day i went around asking my friends if they would marry a male who underwent sex change, and if that "girl" is as sizzling hot as Megan Fox, most of them gave me a sitting on the fence answers. which means, physical appearance still plays a role.

as for me, i guess, if love really do sparkle off between us, nothing should matter:) after all, what are the chances you meet someone you really love in this life? of all, that matters, as long as one is happy, who should bother?

anyway, i really suspect if the news was bogus. maybe it is just another act of the paparazzi to let her gain fame easier.

and i heard that she earned her role by washing Micheal Bay's car for him.

damn, i wish she will wash my vios for me.

whee!

yay! my special semester is finally coming to an end, but wait, that also mean that i am probably going to see the demise of my module of Business Law soon.

the examination for MB107 is actually just next Wednesday, less than ten days away.

sigh.

life sucks.

i wonder how i am going to manage this test of knowledge, after all, i am already like an rusty iron, losing its functionalities. with myself losing the battle to the ZZZ monster every Monday, Wednesday and Friday, i barely remember the crucial points which were specifically highlighted by my lecturer.

did i mention, he especially loves me too. Somehow, every lesson, my name will be echoed in the seminar room. and usually silence follows after that because i had fallen off my chair from my building of castles in the air. this is so typically me.

but, i guess it should not be too difficult, after all ten days was all i took to study for the tonnes of modules in engineering, which in the end, still earn me decent grades. so this one module, hopefully, will not be too much of an obstacle to me.

I CANNOT WAIT FOR MY LIBERATION FROM UBER DUPER DRY MODULE!

anyway, i did an short advertisement for my school's investment club today. although it was only going to be screen for 30 seconds on campus, it took us three hours to completion.

i was deadbeat.

and to think that i had to strap on my apron later to deal with my nephew, i almost jumped off from ADM building.

i am SO EXHAUSTED, i swear i will snore my ceiling collapse again and i am craving for MY VANILLA ICE-CREAM but i cannot eat, because i am feverish:(

just a sudden random thought that sprung up in my mind. i want to be able to fly freely in the vast blue sky. i wonder if there are any hidden connotations tied up to this inadvertent urge that jerked itself upon in my mentally exhausted mind.

somehow this entire week, i have been overwhelmed by the packed schedule which kept me running about everywhere. and my supposedly ten hours of sleep a day has been compromised to only three, which means, i am critically in deprivation of sleep.

i see myself, inevitably, falling ill again.

the promotion of the new korean series today at junction 8 was at least fun. although i had to admit i almost had problems adjusting to facing the camera, after all, i have detached myself from the rolling films since march, but getting it back, isn't too bad after all.

it was also interesting having groups of people approaching me for photo taking, but i bet they have no idea who i am at all.

wth.

anyway, i think i am going to sleep my sunday away, to serve as a compensation for these draining activities that has sucked almost all the energy i had left in me.

here i come my polar bears and my dearest heart shaped pillow which has been with me since i was born.

yummy:) my bed looks tantalizing.

i just do not feel like talking to anyone.

BECAUSE it is good lazing at home and watch Sailormoon, my childhood favorite.

i prefer being 10 years old.

no responsibilities, just studying. no worries, just playing. no complex issues, just simple minded playing catching around in the playground. no problems, just algebra.

life was easier.

i have decided to let go of what happened because it should not bother me. whoever fault it is, does not really concern me. for another time, i will pretend i have contracted, selective memory.

all is over, be gone with the wind.

so shall i:)

did i mention why i like Sailormoon since i was young? well, it is not because i am some perverted old man who enjoys and gets high on seeing young girls transform and change, or because each time they were being thrown against the wall and their skirts reveal their panties, but because the girls displayed how true their friendships were.

the animation was not just about killing and defeating the dark forces which shadowed Earth. maybe on the most superficial part, yes, it is just about using special endowed powers to them, to kill monsters and to restore peace, but i believe the writer has more to show than that.

the girls had tremendous belief in true love, and genuine friendships. regardless of the obstacles placed in front of them, there were inseparable and were always side by side with each other. Usagi (sailormoon), had so much faith in love and trusted that the world is a very beautiful place to live in. death was never an issue and a threat to them.

how resplendently written.

but then, fairy tales are after all fairy tales. somehow, i always thought that the world is more tainted that it appears to be.

ironical isn't it, when we wrote such lovely stories of impeccability, we can never create such a scene in real life situations.

maybe this statement is true after all.

humans and perfection, never crossed.

:)

everyone in the scene fights to be the victim.

why?

because probably being the victim is the protagonist in a story, and the aggressor, is the antagonist, which definitely serves to be, less fortunate, and does not enjoy as much privileges as of course, the mr good guy in the play.

for once, i resigned my fate and i would rather be the one, who kills the best man, and ruin the entire happily ever after ending.

it is frustrating, and maybe even exhausting to keep putting on with things especially patience is never part of my virtue. i have to shyly admit that my threshold acquired, is probably much shorter than the average human beings but then, that is not the point. people always claim their innocence, and pretend like the others are none appreciative, and selfish because the other party appears to think for himself, but then again, has the person himself/herself see his/her reflection in the mirror.

for this entire episode, i have concede to the fact most of it, i kept it to myself because even my best friend, fails to understand. she claims herself, as a victim and honestly, why is she even involved?

so who hears me so far? who heard my side? hello?

you? you? or you?

then i realized, i do not like talking nowadays, because no-"thing" is reliable. sadly to say, trust in others is not something i am born with anymore to have in me for others. "it" had seen its own detriment very long ago so maybe i am going ahead with the tattoo on my arms so that i can remind myself what is the definition of it, and of course, its existence.

"Trust, hope, and love" ; the three most powerful words in the BIBLE.

SHITE. I HAVE NONE OF THEM IN ME.

this entire thing is F--king irritating.

humans are F--king complex.

and i apologize for using the F--king word. it just got me rather intrigued because that day as i was watching an old time american movie whereby in that era when the F word was the "in" thing, one of the female actress said it so nice, i thought it sounded like a melody and not some AN-LIAN. but then again, AH LIANs do not use F word, they use profound Hokkien vocabularies that explicitly describe the scent of their own sex genitals. ever since then, i have been trying to master the art of F, without having it sound so crude but sexy.

so in the end, the world has someone to turn to, and me, i shall bury my head into the some infinite abyss.

F--k the world.

F--ktards.

i can care no more!

see what i mean, being solitary is much easier.

FANTASTIC

you know, i could never put myself in the shoes of seeing those fans of globally recognized artists leaving their time here, to enter another reign whereby all of us will one day meet. i never really understood why they cried for Elvis Presley and some other great, and talented musicians and performers, until a few days back when i came across the world shocking news of the king of pop, Micheal Jackson.

there was this sudden pain i felt, and it was rather awkward as i never ever really did feel such an emotion churning in me and it hit me, i finally got the "feel" of seeing someone i admire and adore, gone perpetually into another dimension.

maybe the reason why i felt this was because he was someone, i had come into contact with in my era. his songs, his paparazzi news, were something that was part of my growing up days, from being in a junior school, to high school, and even to my present self, his songs, are those that are still playing and running in my little sophisticated music storage player, ipod.

someone from my time, has left, and slowly, each of us will meet the time to exile ourselves from this space one day.

since young, i always wanted to find this elixir that i heard from long time ago that can keep one youthful for a very long time, not because i intend to conquer and rule the world like QING SHI HUANG, but because i want to be part of the world of what happens in a century, or maybe, a thousand years later. will cars fly, or what will we transform into.

considering that we are already achieving high altitudes into today's technology, how rocket high can we still go? it feels sad that each generation replaces one, and your descendants' descendants will one day, not know who you are anymore, and you are forgotten.

ever wonder what is the reason why we even exist? the life cycle, looks and sounds boring, and appears the same for everyone else. ultimately, all of us will return to ashes, and what comes out of us? although what i have learnt from my bible, teaches me that death is just the beginning, what lies most resplendently is the after life, but then, besides having faith, can someone give me a preview of how that "after life" appears to be?

one day, all these people that we cheer for, will perish. and probably when i mourn over britney's old age past away, the later generations will feel nothing and be in the shoes i was once in because they cannot find any reasons why they should even shed a single tear, as they belong to another era, that is not so akin to us.

life is just so short and fragile.

Rest in peace, MJ.

love

i never knew my parents love me that much. that was the thought that i once held and strongly believed in when i was still young, immature, and probably very wilful. i always had this idea that my parents were biased, and they loved my siblings more. perhaps, this is the exact example of siblings rivalry, which is possibly, a rather prevalent issue among those who has brothers and sisters.

i was so certain that for a period of time, i thought i detested them, and i could not wait to grow up so that i could stretch my wings and fly to a distant, faraway place whereby i can live on my own.

at that conjuncture of my life, i even cerebrated on the fact i would choose someone else, rather than my family and i supposed, i was at that time, a muddlehead, and imbecile was the best word to describe the idea that was churning in my brains.

then, i grew up and things just simply became more apparent to me. Maybe because the level of maturity in me grew so intensely, most of the once obscured issues became more translucent to me and i realized, it just occurred to me that, they, my family, were not the "expressive" type. we were not those who exchange hugs, kisses, and even the most resplendent words, "i love you". it just felt awkward doing that.

then i ponder, why can we easily do that with our boyfriends/girlfriends, but not to those who has been with us, ever since the day we condescended to this place named, Earth.

through the little actions and thoughts that were shown, and reflected from them, i could see the immense love they have for me. i can confidently say that the amount is immeasurable.

for the past few days, i suffered from gastric infection. adding on to my existing gastric medication condition, it was living hell. there was this night, when i was so much in pain, i could barely stand on my feet. knowing that i was unwell, mummy did her frequent visits to my room to see if i was fine, but was shocked to see me struggling to breathe on my bed.

she went insane and even got almost ready to send me to the hospital when i suggested to her that if she could get me some other medication, it might be better than sending me to the A&E. in the end, the medication worked, and she stayed by me till i fell asleep at four.

there are many little things people do in our lives which we fail to identify them, and realize that these are very strong signs of love. sometimes, we get so busy and negated all these very little yet significant acts around us.

when there is love, there is no need for words, or actions to impress, because if you are truly sincere, your actions and your eyes will tell.

maybe today, many of us have misinterpreted the definition of love, or perhaps, we do not even understand what love is. or maybe, we are just so selfish, we manipulated and translated love into our own forms just to make ourselves happy and entirely neglect how others might feel.

i am going to share one of my favorites from my bible.

Corinthians 1:13
"Love is always patient and kind; it is never jealous; love is never boastful or conceited; it is never rude or selfish; it does not take offence, and it is not resentful. love takes no pleasure in other people's sins but delights in the truth; it is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes. love does not come to an end..."

this is love.

and one day when you question yourself why you love someone, and realize you have so many reasons to love that someone, then maybe you should think otherwise. because when you love someone, you will have no reasons. for everything that happens, you know you will never leave that person. that is love.

the monotonous law module is killing me and suddenly, i began to ponder if my choice made for this special semester was the correct decision, but then again, since i have already cogitated that do it, i shall give in my best.

occupying three times a week perhaps will force me to return to my usual sleeping habits, thus, my dependence on chemical drugs, to put me to my deep sleep, will diminish, and hopefully, cease. after all, too many of these artificial and man made assistance does not do much good to the human's constitution.

how i wish each lesson of 3hours straight will pass by quicker each day because i am finding it hard to keep my eye lids open throughout, and my hands, appear unfamiliar with my pen after losing the touch of it for close to two months.

hopefully, i will regain my momentum soon, but then this laziness bug in me, deem to me, a rather strong opponent to defeat. sigh. i shall work harder, and gather all the tenacity i might have in me, so that i will not let this one month go to waste.

recently, my gastric has been working up again, and this really makes my mood sink. the last time i had my gastric, i recalled myself lying unconsciousness on the floor. how embarrassing. my meals are relatively regular, and i have been eating, so what is exactly wrong?

sigh.

three things that bother me really badly now.

1: my asthma.
2: my gastric.
3: my back ache, which was injured during a water polo game since college days.

i hope i can pull out my spine and replace a new one. i wish i have a stronger lungs. i desire to drink more alkaline to neutralize the acid.

i wish, i could eliminate them all.

mother warned me about H1N1.

GO AWAY FLU BUG. if you dare INVADE ME, i will BITE YOUR HEADS OFF.

holiday spoiler!

daddy has been solemn for two days and today, he decided to play bitch over dinner.

dad: our house has a collection of a lot of fine wines and liquor you know.
me: uhuh, so?
dad: finish them up instead of drinking outside.
me: daddy, i am not under some severe depression, drinking alone.
dad: i drink with you.
me: YIKES, no one drinks with daddy in a CLUB.
dad: then you mean we don't give you enough money each month to get a driver to send you home?

what went through my mind: i hoped i said yes, so i can have more money wired into my account each month but i did not because i cogitated i should not live my life like a wastrel which i think my friends already think i am.

me: yes, i get your point. i will do just that.

dad: good.

i swear my dad thought i was going to be the next Paris Hilton, a dumb blond who drinks and drives and run over some deer if there are even four legged walking animals dashing across Singapore roads.

i should have videoed down his expressions and all and revealed his very sarcastic expressions on his face. i swear i know where i got my sarcasm genes from.

wth.

now i have to behave, at least for another few days before i start to step my foot out of the house for any party reasons.

:(

the morning was disastrous.

felt as though my head was almost being torn into two. the headache, and the remaining spins of the alcohol probably made me almost like a vegetable, i am paralyzed, yet in my mind, that was not the main issue, after all, time was all it required, to allow the effect of this intoxication to wear off, and i will be back to being the norm self again, but the fact that i might have to come upfront with my dearest mother, shrunk my bull-size balls.

i regretted parking the car in the house and opened that gate which awoke my family and almost triggered the home alarm system. in fact, now i understand better why drinking impedes one person's ability to make the correct judgment at times, because if i were slightly smarter last night, i should have park the car outside the house, and climbed in like how i always do, a burglar in action.

i was shocked to see her standing by the staircase awaiting for my grand arrival and she stared at me like a livid ghost, and i prayed my secret trained powers of going invisible was going to come to good use but sadly, it did not work. she tailed me to my room, and interrogated me. that was like the longest journey ever, back to my room:(.

mum: where did you go?
me: oh, movie lor.
mum: movie with drinks right? you look drunk.
me: oh, yes movie, after that drinks.
mum: did you drive home?
me: eh? duh?
mum: look at you, please wash up and sleep.

me: HENG ARH

climbed into my bed, and pretended to snore away.

then, it came, the next day when i am more sober to allow her to dig out more; the brunch.

i attempted to talk about everything under the sun so that i can successfully detour away from any topics regarding the previous night, coming home almost drunk but my ingenious plan flocked eventually.

mum: so what are you doing outside now? are you dating?
me: NO NO NO, i won't date anyone but GONG LI.
mum: oh, so why did you drink? who ditched you?
me: mum, i have been single for damn long and you know.
mum: so was it fun? bring me next time?
me: you are over aged.
mum: really? i don't believe if i give them money, they won't allow me in.
me: REALLY>! mummy can you please buy me BUTTER FACTORY MEMBERSHIP! your friend supplied them GRANITE FOR THEIR FLOORING RIGHT!!!!
mum: rolled her eyes and said, i warn you arh, please do not drink and drive. get a driver to send you back.

then, the nagging and scolding continues for quite some time and i had to keep quiet because i knew i was wrong and there was no way i could argue.

but, she ended classically and made me almost crashed the car into the traffic light.

mum: YOU THINK YOU BRITNEY SPEARS ARH? DRINK AND DRIVE AND SCREWED UP YOUR LIFE? (IN CHINESE.)

me: WTH?

she is so god damn adorable, and i love her! she rocks!

sorry mummy, for making you worry and for breaking your pot of flowers when i maneuvered the car into the house. i pray hard that you will never get to realize this unpleasant truth and the maid did a good job in removing all EVIDENCES.




on the separate note, i am going to apologize to this someone.

sorry.

for any issues caused, i know i have my part to play and participate in the detrimental of ourselves. selfishness maybe, protection perhaps, but i hoped you trusted me better and know that i am never that kind of person others might portray me to be.

clubbing was probably the best getaway i can get after all, you should know the frustrations i have in me. the only thing i picked up after my sour breakup was getting drunk, love and protect myself more. for the past two years i have been trying so hard not to be a train-wrecked which i hoped i am better at now.

i never learn how to offer apologies ever since i was left with my heart bludgeoned to death two years back and too frequently, i would rather not face the issue on the spot, because i have somehow, transformed into an escapist or maybe, just a coward. i loathe being in a sticky situation, and i never knew how to reject or say no because i know how it felt, to be hurt by others.

i thought you would understand me better than anyone else although so far, you are probably the one at best to know me, and figure me out.

if you ever thought i never did bother or care, you were certainly incorrect because everyday, i do think of you, but then, what can we do, when our friendship has been so estranged and plagued with problems which seemed endless. time, was ultimately,the best medication i can come out with, to salvage, and neutralize all that was left.

and again, i chose to deviate myself from the path of facing you.

probably no one will understand why i react this way but i am tired of having to speak my mind. i would rather people mistaken me for being the spoilt brat than to explain myself because i learnt from my past, explaining does not help much.

i have a serious hate, i detest people coming too close, and come in contact with me unless i am extremely familiar and of certain relationship with that person. it makes me very uncomfortable.

i may be drunk at many occasions, but you should know better that as silly as i deemed to appear, i am actually sober and still aware of what happens around me.

i wished you had listened to me instead.

and you should know, mouths of the others, are never kind.

the world is unfriendly.

you were immaculate.

i am extremely insecure and scared and hurt and do not place trust in anyone. a facade i put on to disguise my weak part from revealing so that no one gets in. i need to open up which i know i never do because the fear of breaking apart overwhelms me.

i am a stubborn five year old boy who refuses my greens.

omg.

in the dimly lit up staircase,

my mum stood at 5am, seeing me semi-drunk.

i am SCREWED TOMORROW MORNING.

someone, please sing me praises, and be kinder to me.

i swear my mum will whip me out of bed the next day.

i am single and unavailable.

FULL STOP.

no, i am not seeing anyone.

no, i am not hiding or having some underground relationship with anybody.

no, i am not interested in anyone yet.

no, i am not hoping to be in a relationship because i am uncertain, and i am happier now.

no, i have no one in my mind.

no, i have no interest in anything for now, and in the near future.

but yes, i am currently in the mood for asexuality.

a planned dinner with one of my best girlfriends, I, but at 1930, she was still home at Fernvale, therefore, i decided that i should call it off, and meet her on other available days instead.

with the ample time left before the end of the day, i realized, i needed some of my own space again. somehow, as i age with time, my personal area of my own becomes more consequential and significant to me. a time whereby i am lost in my own dimension, and is oblivion to almost every other thing that is taking place around me. maybe, it is an act of being anti-social, or a part of my introvert character revealing itself, but i no longer find myself being a social butterfly like before, as delirious.

i guess, it is just pretty taxing to constantly having to entertain everyone, and sometimes, being someone whom you do not want to be because of the presence of others.

i have acquainted with my i-pod, and in someway, it has transformed into one of the most important thing ever in my life. it brings me to where i want to be, and accompanies me throughout the journey whereby i wonder alone. a companion, who solemnly stands by me, and speaks in magical notes, which my ears, desire to listen.

i went to the bookstore, borders after my hectic, and unintentional insane run at gym. in fact, i cannot find any reasons to the sudden adrenaline pumping throughout me, giving me the strength to run at the speed 14. but i just kept running, neglecting the fact that my knees are beginning to weaken and eventually, i got myself so exhausted, i know i can sleep well tonight.

the bookstore is presently listed as one of my favorite hideout nowadays. it allows me to plunge myself into the words of the writer, and flow into the vast, limitless area of imagination my brain has. an adventurous place which i once thought, was very dull.

i bought two books, both of very different genres.

1. To Kill A Mocking Bird.
2. A Woman In Charge- Hillary Rodham Clinton.

well, i guess i have solid reasons to why i intended to splurge on them.

the first book is a classic novel, something which i used to have in possession, but was lent to, and never returned, to one of my friend back in secondary school. perhaps, reading it this time round, will give me an entirely different perspective and i have always wanted to re-read this book, but time, has never given me the immaculate opportunity to do so.

the latter, was about the life of Hillary Clinton.

it just occurred to me that i never exactly knew why i loved and supported her, for her run for presidency, and hopefully, the 44th president of America which she obviously did not. perhaps, the best reasons i could think of, was her charisma, and her confidence. Her beliefs, and her courage to dream and how she stood by her husband during the Lewinsky's affair. She was open, and dared to challenge, to speak out her mind. a quality, which i admired, and wished that, i have half of what she has in her. being a woman, did not stop her from fighting from what she held in her.

but these were gathered, all from what i perceived from the media, and undoubtedly, these could be just the most superficial part or the tip of an iceberg of her true self. there is more to the eye for sure. and i supposed, it does apply to our current predicament.

a judgment is usually pass off, based on the exterior reasons.

i cogitated that i should read more about her, how she grew up, and her days in Yale Law School, to really understand finally, why i have always been attracted to her.

anyway, this thought just happens to coincide with what i have been thinking of.

love today, has been broadly, and widely used, that it no longer means much to anyone, or anybody anymore. interest in somebody, usually commences from what you see from the outside.

people tend to believe in, "what you see, is what you get."

but, the unpleasant truth is, most of the time, you don't.

so when you say you like someone, have you ever thought, what are the reasons of your admirations?

humans are after all flawed, and definitely not impeccable. have you seen the part which has blemishes, and accept it? or have you just seen, what is displayed on the shelves?

perhaps the next time when we intend to love, we should read the "book" of the person, regardless of the duration of the time taken, to really find out the reasons, why this person deserves our love.

maybe this, will reduce the number of heartaches caused everyday.

the unkind truth has made my doctor put me on three inhalers.

the once forgotten asthma is reappearing on the major screens again, like a come back from before, that explains why, i had so many "breath taking" experiences for the past few days.

a disaster which led to me being paralyzed for many years, and also acted as a form of hindrance for my sportsman capabilities in water polo and swimming back in junior college days, i wished i could consume it down into my stomach and digest it so that it will never resurface itself, but sadly, i cannot.

despite the fact that now i am asthmatic, and in the most unsightly event, i might just concuss, and see the demise of myself like how Theresa Teng past away many years before without the aid of her inhalers, i still went ahead with exercising in the gym.

somehow, these few days without much stretching, i am beginning to find myself getting lazier, and the fact that i am not tired enough each day, deprives me of my early nights because i will be up late at night watching blockbusters. the gym, was a must.

the H1N1 flu, has started to arouse people's attention. my consistent coughing alarmed people around me, and like ripples in the pond, i realized people are shooing away from me. fortunately, i am someone who loves space and because of this scare, i managed to use all the machines i want at peak hours.

HENG ARH!

i guess tonight i will be able to rest soundly, without any assistance of the chemical drug.

:)

yayS!

since i had so much time at home, i decided to do some things that are kinder to myself.

after all, the harsh cold bug has consumed the supposedly radiant skin i had, the only word which is probably best to describe my current state of myself; CHUI.

so i ventured upon my gates that barricades me from the outside world and into my car to go to Sasa at Great World City, my favourite shopping mall, and cogitated that i should start spending a bit more time and cash on my personal appearance, since my model-like cousin in Taiwan has convinced me that the process of preserving one's beauty starts from young. Wrinkles are never reversible unless we want to look unnatural with the botox under the skin, making each smile that was so once beautifully hanging on our faces, awkward and perhaps, stiff.

emotionless, is maybe, the best word then.

in the end, i found out that loving one self, is truly exorbitant.

1. cleanser
2. toner
3. moisturizer
4. hydrating gel
5. sun block

the salesgirl managed to convince me to part away with $300 from my pocket.

you can hereby declare me bankrupt.

thankfully, she gave me a free gift, it's called home peeling whatever and till now, i have no idea what is the purpose of the entire changing skin process.

nonetheless, the air outside is so great. i think my nose is getting rusty, after being caged for a more than a week.

then i realized, i will be confined for more days, because i still need to go to the doctor the THIRD time since i am not yet fully recovered, and i have swallowed all the available pills that he, the one in white coat, has prescribed for me.

kns.

when is this stubborn shit going to stool out of my butt.

i am gettting FRUSTRATED.

i want to WATCH A MOVIE, and go drink high tea.

i want TO BE A SHAO YE.


ARGH.

WAH LAU EH!

my neighbor's daughter screamed so loudly from next house because of the thunder, i jolted out of my cosy bed.

now my recovery sleep is disrupted.

i swear i will set my dog on her next time.

good cashy.

bite her.

an overdued post for the anniversary.

a facade in progress.

each day passes by, and the second hand keeps moving along the circular motion it is destined to take. it does not stop, until one day, the stored chemical energy supply in the man-made container depletes, and it becomes incapable to continue its reason for existence.

everything comes to an end.

a seed, a bud, a plant, and a rose, then as it blossoms into its glorious beauty, flaunting the magnificent red of nature, it also starts to wither, and returns to dust.

what is the original purpose of it since all revolves back to nowhere and what lies behind this cycle of live, and death.

the bible states that death is only the beginning, but who sees beyond that. faith is all we hold on to, but how far does this thing we called faith see us through?

maybe i am not so much of a devoted, and a loyal catholic.

i think about the end of my presence each day, and i wonder of the reasons why i lie here. me, being so small compared to the dimensions of this planet earth, this galaxy, is just too insignificant. how much of my voice do you hear when i attempt to scream my lungs out on the tip of the highest mountain. after the day which i descend back into the origins of the soil, what is left behind, and what continues?

two years have fallen behind, i was being left back there, mourning over the split milk, and wondering why you never called.

a shadow cast upon me, i see sombre grey clouds each day hovering above my head, with the thunderous lightning being the only source of light, which emanates my entire life periodically.

i pondered hard when the questions threw upon me when have i not moved on, and realized, the emotions of the heart, has died, and there was nothing to feel anymore.

maybe for this reason, i chose to be solitary, or perhaps, the pain was too excruciating, or petrifying to feel again. it is not an excuse, but i am just practically stating the undeceiving facts.

simple as it seems for others, but who knows, and exactly feel what i have in me.

will you hear me out, and not run away after learning the callous truth which hides behind this masquerade?

the lights on the streets continue to shine resplendently upon striking seven each day, the stock markets bust insanely at nine sharp. our lives are so crazily busy, we missed out so many small details in our paths of journey each day.

out there in the crowd, do you notice the "paltry" me, sitting there alone.

life today, is what we have made out of, ourselves.

superficiality, busyness, selfishness, anger, sadness and all, are the results of our mankind's hands.

still a sick bear.

7th day.

it has been a week since my incessant coughing rage out of my lungs.

for a moment, i thought my cough was a perpetual characteristic of my vocal communication. now, finally, it is on the route of recovery. signs of lesser frequency coughing is appearing and i am beginning to breathe better. there was a period whereby i could go no where without my inhaler.

at times, when my cough gets enough attention outside, everyone appears to shoo away from me. it becomes a rather awkward situation and i will excuse myself in case anyone thinks that i am one of the h1n1 flu carrier.

hopefully, i will be fine again, and mummy will release me from the state of being chained up at home.

i feel like going to Maldives, i heard the ocean there is really beautiful.

maybe i should go there with my sun block before school reopens:)

people love to wag their tongues about others. fabricating things that probably were non-existence just because, they find it fun or perhaps, gain something out of these juicy news that they have made up of.

honestly, when people does such things, i can only come out with one reason to why they might enjoy doing such lame, but preposterous act.

1. to gain some form of fame

i mean, let's just put it this way, you got the news of the hot favorite and because of this, you get all the attention to yourself from the table. everyone is tuning in to you, and for the moment, you are the one. (pardon me, i do not mean to sound narcissistic. only applies to those who loves talking about me.)

grow up.

and that is my advice to you.

i am so jaded hearing the number of people i am seeing and slept with when in fact, i think i have not revealed my groin to anyone for quite some time that fungi might actually be starting their own habitations around. And, for goodness sake, i am bloody hell single, and that has been the case, for two years.

but frankly speaking, it is not that bad, to be standing alone in the conjunction of your life, because nothing is dragging you back.

so, let me say, i am not bothered, but it does tickle me when it gets into my ears that i am such a favorite amongst some of your topic of conservation. in fact, i am flattered:)

whee!

i am so in love with one song.

check it out!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xsp3_a-PMTw

supermassive black hole-muse

the lyrics rock like hell, and if you do find it familiar like i do, i realized, it is one of the theme song from Twilight.

how sweet! :)

twice to the doctor this week. i think he is beginning to find me a hassle.

the combination of six medication is driving me nuts, not to forget my two inhalers which i need to keep breathing in to make sure that my lungs are functioning and my asthma will not act up and kill me.

alcohol is not required now to get me the "high" effect because the drugs get me so drowsy, i get knocked out within half an hour.

owells.

thank god i am not having fever, or else, i might be on the 993 ambulance to TTSH.

i knew it.

my constitution has succumbed to the flu bug which has declared war in me. and now, i am coughing incessantly, and shivering cold.

maybe it is time i should visit my doctor tomorrow.

and wait, did i mention, i saw my own specialist doctor at the clubs last night. to think he looks so decent, he is actually quite a party animal.

i think mummy will blame it on my late nights and partying for falling ill so easily but then again, my immune system has never really proven itself to be reliable.

anyway, my mother's friends conned me of $250 for playing mahjong with them when my brain is malfunctioning due to the bug, making me feel laggish, and slow.

argh.

i will have my revenge when i feel better.

sigh.


and i need a nanny please?

TLC!!

genetic passes on.

my friends always think that i am probably the most crude person on earth because i have a very bad habit, and that is, i enjoy laughing at unfortunate events happening to others. it simply means that if someone falls down in front of me, i would first laugh, then lend a helping hand which makes me rather sadistic, but then again, it just tickles me very much.

i always wonder why i have probably the more erratic and eccentric form of behavior but i am slowly realizing these traits actually do transcend from my very own folks after i spend more time with them each day. suddenly, my parents appear so adorable and lovely, behaving so much like me. a kid stuck in old membrane.

one incident took place today and triggered my laughing nerves and it all went hysterical. it happened in the clinic when my dad and mum decided to go and visit our family doctor for consultation and get some usual medication to stock up supplies for the widespread of the imminent flu bug.

as we were waiting, there came in this ATB (ah tiong bu) followed by her husband.

mummy: wah, boy, look at her, she is bleeding all over! she must have cut herself by something sharp. so painful.

me: ouch, this is scary. (not so interested because the television program was more intriguing of course.)

dad: silent.

the nurse: 发生了什么事？你的手是怎么受伤的？ （ what happened? how did you get injured?)

catch this because i feel that this was the most classic of all that got our laughing glands went insane.

ATB: 我是被螃蟹咬到。 （i was bitten by the crab.)

dad: burst our laughing loudly.

mum: how can you laugh at others? (she began laughing even louder.)

me: rolling on the floor.

the greatest irony thing was, we were laughing just right behind them and not even showing any effort in trying to conceal ourselves. i bet they were very pissed off, but then, who cares. soon, she was escorted into the waiting room.

dad: i wondered did she eventually eat the crab?

mum: why are you so kapo?

dad: maybe she got angry, and decided to cook it, eat it, and then come to the doctor, let's ask her later.

me and mum: rolled our eyes at our dad together simultaneously.

these are my parents.

now i begin to see the resemblance even more vividly.

i probably appear as the bimbo like Reese Witherspoon in Legally blond 1/2.

have you ever seen anyone who is so clumsy and forgetful that he/she can leave for the airport and left his/her luggage still at home. if not, well, you have encounter one such person, and that silly boy is me.

the reaction of both my folks were, they almost rolled their eyes out of their skulls.

eventually, we had to request the kind driver of ours to head back home again to get my baggage.

argh.

this is perhaps one of the most exhausting trip back home to Taiwan because the stay was considered short, in comparison to in the past when i always go back for more than a month.

this time round, i had to congest almost all my activities which were to be widely and spaciously spread out in a month, to ten days. so each day, i ran in and out, and traveling around is not the same and as easy as it is in Singapore because everywhere seemed to be like from Tuas to Tampines, or farther.

finally today, i got to wake up at noon. it felt better this way after i was instigated to follow the family's tradition of having to wake up at 8 for breakfast together and be back home 11 latest at night because they always thought that i was the best target for people to kidnap but then again, i am not exactly that feather light so why would anyone want to strain their back by ambushing me and keep me for a ransom? anyway, i think i am more or less accustom to the strict family rules and regulations back home in Taiwan.

what to do, suck thumb lor!

that was what my cousin and i always complaint about and our resolution is the phrase above. thankfully i spend most of my time in Singapore and if my kins in Taiwan know how i live my life in Singapore, i bet they will banish me to the cell underground and ground me for three months.

i think i might just go into hibernation mode for the next few days.

yawn.

rained ice.

a barely common phenomenon took place yesterday; falling hailstones which most of the times, only happens by chance as it is form in storm clouds when supercooled water droplets freeze on contact with condensation nuclei, such as dust or dirt.

it poured for nearly ten minutes, and my mum and i were so esctatic because it is not something we can encounter in our daily lives back in the humid singapore which lies on the equator line. our weather forbids such an unique yet disastrous activity from appearing. there was a saying, eating hailstones cure all diseases. so we went out, and started collecting them to eat. in the end, i felt no differences and no reaction in my digestive system but just blue black gained from the impact of falling ice. i have to admit, this is nothing but an imbecile and insane act.

sadly for my neighbour, his car's windscreen was wrecked and our roofs were almost broken.

a rainy day, and i became extremely lazy. a characteristic of me, i can just lay, and stare blankly up at the ceiling for the entire day. i finished my 400 pages of story book and i felt extremely satisfied.

it feels homely back here. staying up late at times with my aunt, cousin, and my grandmother all sharing one bed, catching up and talking about what has been happening. although it is supposedly an all woman thing, i am always given the exception to hear their gossips about my uncle and laugh at the olden days when my grandfather was a signficant role in my life. perhaps, this is one of the very few times, i do not sleep alone with my polar bear on my bed.

i am regaining my taiwanese eccent but my cousin is still laughing at my horrendeous command of mandarin. she, like the rest of the people i meet, keep calling me the new age taiwanese ABC.

i swear i need to spend more time back in taiwan like before so that i can adjust to the switch better. Or else, i will have to live in their mockery forever.

wth.

someone call me a himbo please.

i went to gym, did my run and my usual routine exercises. then the unexpected, unfortunate event took place. i lost my locker keys which means i am stucked outside, without any clothes on but just a bathing towel covering my hidden fruit.

thankfully, the people around me was kind enough to loosen my exasperation i had in me. two strangers helped me to go down six levels to get assistance from the counter, and one more to stay behind and offered me some form of consolation, because i kept saying i was EMBARRASSED for being so forgetful. i just hope that i am not the only one that has ever encountered such a disgraceful incident.

anyway, i always wondered why is it that i have those impulsive shopoholic genes in me, that resulted me to buy everything that looks enticing to me. then i went out with my folks, and realized, actually, all these genetic dna came directly from my parents. they themselves bought like there were no tomorrow, and that includes my father, who always appear as a solemn buyer.

this holiday back to taiwan, is truly an expensive one.

i feel like a pig now, because food consumption takes place every one hour. lucky for me i had my friend to settle my gym issues in taiwan, or else i bet the consequences for eating every other hours beside shopping and sleeping, will be disastrous.

i hope i can stay here longer. so much fun, but so little time. i am so exhilarated because i am meeting my friend G on friday and clubbing here i come!

whee, i love home.