you know, i could never put myself in the shoes of seeing those fans of globally recognized artists leaving their time here, to enter another reign whereby all of us will one day meet. i never really understood why they cried for Elvis Presley and some other great, and talented musicians and performers, until a few days back when i came across the world shocking news of the king of pop, Micheal Jackson.
there was this sudden pain i felt, and it was rather awkward as i never ever really did feel such an emotion churning in me and it hit me, i finally got the "feel" of seeing someone i admire and adore, gone perpetually into another dimension.
maybe the reason why i felt this was because he was someone, i had come into contact with in my era. his songs, his paparazzi news, were something that was part of my growing up days, from being in a junior school, to high school, and even to my present self, his songs, are those that are still playing and running in my little sophisticated music storage player, ipod.
someone from my time, has left, and slowly, each of us will meet the time to exile ourselves from this space one day.
since young, i always wanted to find this elixir that i heard from long time ago that can keep one youthful for a very long time, not because i intend to conquer and rule the world like QING SHI HUANG, but because i want to be part of the world of what happens in a century, or maybe, a thousand years later. will cars fly, or what will we transform into.
considering that we are already achieving high altitudes into today's technology, how rocket high can we still go? it feels sad that each generation replaces one, and your descendants' descendants will one day, not know who you are anymore, and you are forgotten.
ever wonder what is the reason why we even exist? the life cycle, looks and sounds boring, and appears the same for everyone else. ultimately, all of us will return to ashes, and what comes out of us? although what i have learnt from my bible, teaches me that death is just the beginning, what lies most resplendently is the after life, but then, besides having faith, can someone give me a preview of how that "after life" appears to be?
one day, all these people that we cheer for, will perish. and probably when i mourn over britney's old age past away, the later generations will feel nothing and be in the shoes i was once in because they cannot find any reasons why they should even shed a single tear, as they belong to another era, that is not so akin to us.
life is just so short and fragile.
Rest in peace, MJ.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Thursday, June 25, 2009
love
i never knew my parents love me that much. that was the thought that i once held and strongly believed in when i was still young, immature, and probably very wilful. i always had this idea that my parents were biased, and they loved my siblings more. perhaps, this is the exact example of siblings rivalry, which is possibly, a rather prevalent issue among those who has brothers and sisters.
i was so certain that for a period of time, i thought i detested them, and i could not wait to grow up so that i could stretch my wings and fly to a distant, faraway place whereby i can live on my own.
at that conjuncture of my life, i even cerebrated on the fact i would choose someone else, rather than my family and i supposed, i was at that time, a muddlehead, and imbecile was the best word to describe the idea that was churning in my brains.
then, i grew up and things just simply became more apparent to me. Maybe because the level of maturity in me grew so intensely, most of the once obscured issues became more translucent to me and i realized, it just occurred to me that, they, my family, were not the "expressive" type. we were not those who exchange hugs, kisses, and even the most resplendent words, "i love you". it just felt awkward doing that.
then i ponder, why can we easily do that with our boyfriends/girlfriends, but not to those who has been with us, ever since the day we condescended to this place named, Earth.
through the little actions and thoughts that were shown, and reflected from them, i could see the immense love they have for me. i can confidently say that the amount is immeasurable.
for the past few days, i suffered from gastric infection. adding on to my existing gastric medication condition, it was living hell. there was this night, when i was so much in pain, i could barely stand on my feet. knowing that i was unwell, mummy did her frequent visits to my room to see if i was fine, but was shocked to see me struggling to breathe on my bed.
she went insane and even got almost ready to send me to the hospital when i suggested to her that if she could get me some other medication, it might be better than sending me to the A&E. in the end, the medication worked, and she stayed by me till i fell asleep at four.
there are many little things people do in our lives which we fail to identify them, and realize that these are very strong signs of love. sometimes, we get so busy and negated all these very little yet significant acts around us.
when there is love, there is no need for words, or actions to impress, because if you are truly sincere, your actions and your eyes will tell.
maybe today, many of us have misinterpreted the definition of love, or perhaps, we do not even understand what love is. or maybe, we are just so selfish, we manipulated and translated love into our own forms just to make ourselves happy and entirely neglect how others might feel.
i am going to share one of my favorites from my bible.
Corinthians 1:13
"Love is always patient and kind; it is never jealous; love is never boastful or conceited; it is never rude or selfish; it does not take offence, and it is not resentful. love takes no pleasure in other people's sins but delights in the truth; it is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes. love does not come to an end..."
this is love.
and one day when you question yourself why you love someone, and realize you have so many reasons to love that someone, then maybe you should think otherwise. because when you love someone, you will have no reasons. for everything that happens, you know you will never leave that person. that is love.
i was so certain that for a period of time, i thought i detested them, and i could not wait to grow up so that i could stretch my wings and fly to a distant, faraway place whereby i can live on my own.
at that conjuncture of my life, i even cerebrated on the fact i would choose someone else, rather than my family and i supposed, i was at that time, a muddlehead, and imbecile was the best word to describe the idea that was churning in my brains.
then, i grew up and things just simply became more apparent to me. Maybe because the level of maturity in me grew so intensely, most of the once obscured issues became more translucent to me and i realized, it just occurred to me that, they, my family, were not the "expressive" type. we were not those who exchange hugs, kisses, and even the most resplendent words, "i love you". it just felt awkward doing that.
then i ponder, why can we easily do that with our boyfriends/girlfriends, but not to those who has been with us, ever since the day we condescended to this place named, Earth.
through the little actions and thoughts that were shown, and reflected from them, i could see the immense love they have for me. i can confidently say that the amount is immeasurable.
for the past few days, i suffered from gastric infection. adding on to my existing gastric medication condition, it was living hell. there was this night, when i was so much in pain, i could barely stand on my feet. knowing that i was unwell, mummy did her frequent visits to my room to see if i was fine, but was shocked to see me struggling to breathe on my bed.
she went insane and even got almost ready to send me to the hospital when i suggested to her that if she could get me some other medication, it might be better than sending me to the A&E. in the end, the medication worked, and she stayed by me till i fell asleep at four.
there are many little things people do in our lives which we fail to identify them, and realize that these are very strong signs of love. sometimes, we get so busy and negated all these very little yet significant acts around us.
when there is love, there is no need for words, or actions to impress, because if you are truly sincere, your actions and your eyes will tell.
maybe today, many of us have misinterpreted the definition of love, or perhaps, we do not even understand what love is. or maybe, we are just so selfish, we manipulated and translated love into our own forms just to make ourselves happy and entirely neglect how others might feel.
i am going to share one of my favorites from my bible.
Corinthians 1:13
"Love is always patient and kind; it is never jealous; love is never boastful or conceited; it is never rude or selfish; it does not take offence, and it is not resentful. love takes no pleasure in other people's sins but delights in the truth; it is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes. love does not come to an end..."
this is love.
and one day when you question yourself why you love someone, and realize you have so many reasons to love that someone, then maybe you should think otherwise. because when you love someone, you will have no reasons. for everything that happens, you know you will never leave that person. that is love.
Monday, June 22, 2009
the monotonous law module is killing me and suddenly, i began to ponder if my choice made for this special semester was the correct decision, but then again, since i have already cogitated that do it, i shall give in my best.
occupying three times a week perhaps will force me to return to my usual sleeping habits, thus, my dependence on chemical drugs, to put me to my deep sleep, will diminish, and hopefully, cease. after all, too many of these artificial and man made assistance does not do much good to the human's constitution.
how i wish each lesson of 3hours straight will pass by quicker each day because i am finding it hard to keep my eye lids open throughout, and my hands, appear unfamiliar with my pen after losing the touch of it for close to two months.
hopefully, i will regain my momentum soon, but then this laziness bug in me, deem to me, a rather strong opponent to defeat. sigh. i shall work harder, and gather all the tenacity i might have in me, so that i will not let this one month go to waste.
recently, my gastric has been working up again, and this really makes my mood sink. the last time i had my gastric, i recalled myself lying unconsciousness on the floor. how embarrassing. my meals are relatively regular, and i have been eating, so what is exactly wrong?
sigh.
three things that bother me really badly now.
1: my asthma.
2: my gastric.
3: my back ache, which was injured during a water polo game since college days.
i hope i can pull out my spine and replace a new one. i wish i have a stronger lungs. i desire to drink more alkaline to neutralize the acid.
i wish, i could eliminate them all.
mother warned me about H1N1.
GO AWAY FLU BUG. if you dare INVADE ME, i will BITE YOUR HEADS OFF.
holiday spoiler!
occupying three times a week perhaps will force me to return to my usual sleeping habits, thus, my dependence on chemical drugs, to put me to my deep sleep, will diminish, and hopefully, cease. after all, too many of these artificial and man made assistance does not do much good to the human's constitution.
how i wish each lesson of 3hours straight will pass by quicker each day because i am finding it hard to keep my eye lids open throughout, and my hands, appear unfamiliar with my pen after losing the touch of it for close to two months.
hopefully, i will regain my momentum soon, but then this laziness bug in me, deem to me, a rather strong opponent to defeat. sigh. i shall work harder, and gather all the tenacity i might have in me, so that i will not let this one month go to waste.
recently, my gastric has been working up again, and this really makes my mood sink. the last time i had my gastric, i recalled myself lying unconsciousness on the floor. how embarrassing. my meals are relatively regular, and i have been eating, so what is exactly wrong?
sigh.
three things that bother me really badly now.
1: my asthma.
2: my gastric.
3: my back ache, which was injured during a water polo game since college days.
i hope i can pull out my spine and replace a new one. i wish i have a stronger lungs. i desire to drink more alkaline to neutralize the acid.
i wish, i could eliminate them all.
mother warned me about H1N1.
GO AWAY FLU BUG. if you dare INVADE ME, i will BITE YOUR HEADS OFF.
holiday spoiler!
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
daddy has been solemn for two days and today, he decided to play bitch over dinner.
dad: our house has a collection of a lot of fine wines and liquor you know.
me: uhuh, so?
dad: finish them up instead of drinking outside.
me: daddy, i am not under some severe depression, drinking alone.
dad: i drink with you.
me: YIKES, no one drinks with daddy in a CLUB.
dad: then you mean we don't give you enough money each month to get a driver to send you home?
what went through my mind: i hoped i said yes, so i can have more money wired into my account each month but i did not because i cogitated i should not live my life like a wastrel which i think my friends already think i am.
me: yes, i get your point. i will do just that.
dad: good.
i swear my dad thought i was going to be the next Paris Hilton, a dumb blond who drinks and drives and run over some deer if there are even four legged walking animals dashing across Singapore roads.
i should have videoed down his expressions and all and revealed his very sarcastic expressions on his face. i swear i know where i got my sarcasm genes from.
wth.
now i have to behave, at least for another few days before i start to step my foot out of the house for any party reasons.
:(
dad: our house has a collection of a lot of fine wines and liquor you know.
me: uhuh, so?
dad: finish them up instead of drinking outside.
me: daddy, i am not under some severe depression, drinking alone.
dad: i drink with you.
me: YIKES, no one drinks with daddy in a CLUB.
dad: then you mean we don't give you enough money each month to get a driver to send you home?
what went through my mind: i hoped i said yes, so i can have more money wired into my account each month but i did not because i cogitated i should not live my life like a wastrel which i think my friends already think i am.
me: yes, i get your point. i will do just that.
dad: good.
i swear my dad thought i was going to be the next Paris Hilton, a dumb blond who drinks and drives and run over some deer if there are even four legged walking animals dashing across Singapore roads.
i should have videoed down his expressions and all and revealed his very sarcastic expressions on his face. i swear i know where i got my sarcasm genes from.
wth.
now i have to behave, at least for another few days before i start to step my foot out of the house for any party reasons.
:(
Monday, June 15, 2009
the morning was disastrous.
felt as though my head was almost being torn into two. the headache, and the remaining spins of the alcohol probably made me almost like a vegetable, i am paralyzed, yet in my mind, that was not the main issue, after all, time was all it required, to allow the effect of this intoxication to wear off, and i will be back to being the norm self again, but the fact that i might have to come upfront with my dearest mother, shrunk my bull-size balls.
i regretted parking the car in the house and opened that gate which awoke my family and almost triggered the home alarm system. in fact, now i understand better why drinking impedes one person's ability to make the correct judgment at times, because if i were slightly smarter last night, i should have park the car outside the house, and climbed in like how i always do, a burglar in action.
i was shocked to see her standing by the staircase awaiting for my grand arrival and she stared at me like a livid ghost, and i prayed my secret trained powers of going invisible was going to come to good use but sadly, it did not work. she tailed me to my room, and interrogated me. that was like the longest journey ever, back to my room:(.
mum: where did you go?
me: oh, movie lor.
mum: movie with drinks right? you look drunk.
me: oh, yes movie, after that drinks.
mum: did you drive home?
me: eh? duh?
mum: look at you, please wash up and sleep.
me: HENG ARH
climbed into my bed, and pretended to snore away.
then, it came, the next day when i am more sober to allow her to dig out more; the brunch.
i attempted to talk about everything under the sun so that i can successfully detour away from any topics regarding the previous night, coming home almost drunk but my ingenious plan flocked eventually.
mum: so what are you doing outside now? are you dating?
me: NO NO NO, i won't date anyone but GONG LI.
mum: oh, so why did you drink? who ditched you?
me: mum, i have been single for damn long and you know.
mum: so was it fun? bring me next time?
me: you are over aged.
mum: really? i don't believe if i give them money, they won't allow me in.
me: REALLY>! mummy can you please buy me BUTTER FACTORY MEMBERSHIP! your friend supplied them GRANITE FOR THEIR FLOORING RIGHT!!!!
mum: rolled her eyes and said, i warn you arh, please do not drink and drive. get a driver to send you back.
then, the nagging and scolding continues for quite some time and i had to keep quiet because i knew i was wrong and there was no way i could argue.
but, she ended classically and made me almost crashed the car into the traffic light.
mum: YOU THINK YOU BRITNEY SPEARS ARH? DRINK AND DRIVE AND SCREWED UP YOUR LIFE? (IN CHINESE.)
me: WTH?
she is so god damn adorable, and i love her! she rocks!
sorry mummy, for making you worry and for breaking your pot of flowers when i maneuvered the car into the house. i pray hard that you will never get to realize this unpleasant truth and the maid did a good job in removing all EVIDENCES.
on the separate note, i am going to apologize to this someone.
sorry.
for any issues caused, i know i have my part to play and participate in the detrimental of ourselves. selfishness maybe, protection perhaps, but i hoped you trusted me better and know that i am never that kind of person others might portray me to be.
clubbing was probably the best getaway i can get after all, you should know the frustrations i have in me. the only thing i picked up after my sour breakup was getting drunk, love and protect myself more. for the past two years i have been trying so hard not to be a train-wrecked which i hoped i am better at now.
i never learn how to offer apologies ever since i was left with my heart bludgeoned to death two years back and too frequently, i would rather not face the issue on the spot, because i have somehow, transformed into an escapist or maybe, just a coward. i loathe being in a sticky situation, and i never knew how to reject or say no because i know how it felt, to be hurt by others.
i thought you would understand me better than anyone else although so far, you are probably the one at best to know me, and figure me out.
if you ever thought i never did bother or care, you were certainly incorrect because everyday, i do think of you, but then, what can we do, when our friendship has been so estranged and plagued with problems which seemed endless. time, was ultimately,the best medication i can come out with, to salvage, and neutralize all that was left.
and again, i chose to deviate myself from the path of facing you.
probably no one will understand why i react this way but i am tired of having to speak my mind. i would rather people mistaken me for being the spoilt brat than to explain myself because i learnt from my past, explaining does not help much.
i have a serious hate, i detest people coming too close, and come in contact with me unless i am extremely familiar and of certain relationship with that person. it makes me very uncomfortable.
i may be drunk at many occasions, but you should know better that as silly as i deemed to appear, i am actually sober and still aware of what happens around me.
i wished you had listened to me instead.
and you should know, mouths of the others, are never kind.
the world is unfriendly.
you were immaculate.
i am extremely insecure and scared and hurt and do not place trust in anyone. a facade i put on to disguise my weak part from revealing so that no one gets in. i need to open up which i know i never do because the fear of breaking apart overwhelms me.
i am a stubborn five year old boy who refuses my greens.
felt as though my head was almost being torn into two. the headache, and the remaining spins of the alcohol probably made me almost like a vegetable, i am paralyzed, yet in my mind, that was not the main issue, after all, time was all it required, to allow the effect of this intoxication to wear off, and i will be back to being the norm self again, but the fact that i might have to come upfront with my dearest mother, shrunk my bull-size balls.
i regretted parking the car in the house and opened that gate which awoke my family and almost triggered the home alarm system. in fact, now i understand better why drinking impedes one person's ability to make the correct judgment at times, because if i were slightly smarter last night, i should have park the car outside the house, and climbed in like how i always do, a burglar in action.
i was shocked to see her standing by the staircase awaiting for my grand arrival and she stared at me like a livid ghost, and i prayed my secret trained powers of going invisible was going to come to good use but sadly, it did not work. she tailed me to my room, and interrogated me. that was like the longest journey ever, back to my room:(.
mum: where did you go?
me: oh, movie lor.
mum: movie with drinks right? you look drunk.
me: oh, yes movie, after that drinks.
mum: did you drive home?
me: eh? duh?
mum: look at you, please wash up and sleep.
me: HENG ARH
climbed into my bed, and pretended to snore away.
then, it came, the next day when i am more sober to allow her to dig out more; the brunch.
i attempted to talk about everything under the sun so that i can successfully detour away from any topics regarding the previous night, coming home almost drunk but my ingenious plan flocked eventually.
mum: so what are you doing outside now? are you dating?
me: NO NO NO, i won't date anyone but GONG LI.
mum: oh, so why did you drink? who ditched you?
me: mum, i have been single for damn long and you know.
mum: so was it fun? bring me next time?
me: you are over aged.
mum: really? i don't believe if i give them money, they won't allow me in.
me: REALLY>! mummy can you please buy me BUTTER FACTORY MEMBERSHIP! your friend supplied them GRANITE FOR THEIR FLOORING RIGHT!!!!
mum: rolled her eyes and said, i warn you arh, please do not drink and drive. get a driver to send you back.
then, the nagging and scolding continues for quite some time and i had to keep quiet because i knew i was wrong and there was no way i could argue.
but, she ended classically and made me almost crashed the car into the traffic light.
mum: YOU THINK YOU BRITNEY SPEARS ARH? DRINK AND DRIVE AND SCREWED UP YOUR LIFE? (IN CHINESE.)
me: WTH?
she is so god damn adorable, and i love her! she rocks!
sorry mummy, for making you worry and for breaking your pot of flowers when i maneuvered the car into the house. i pray hard that you will never get to realize this unpleasant truth and the maid did a good job in removing all EVIDENCES.
on the separate note, i am going to apologize to this someone.
sorry.
for any issues caused, i know i have my part to play and participate in the detrimental of ourselves. selfishness maybe, protection perhaps, but i hoped you trusted me better and know that i am never that kind of person others might portray me to be.
clubbing was probably the best getaway i can get after all, you should know the frustrations i have in me. the only thing i picked up after my sour breakup was getting drunk, love and protect myself more. for the past two years i have been trying so hard not to be a train-wrecked which i hoped i am better at now.
i never learn how to offer apologies ever since i was left with my heart bludgeoned to death two years back and too frequently, i would rather not face the issue on the spot, because i have somehow, transformed into an escapist or maybe, just a coward. i loathe being in a sticky situation, and i never knew how to reject or say no because i know how it felt, to be hurt by others.
i thought you would understand me better than anyone else although so far, you are probably the one at best to know me, and figure me out.
if you ever thought i never did bother or care, you were certainly incorrect because everyday, i do think of you, but then, what can we do, when our friendship has been so estranged and plagued with problems which seemed endless. time, was ultimately,the best medication i can come out with, to salvage, and neutralize all that was left.
and again, i chose to deviate myself from the path of facing you.
probably no one will understand why i react this way but i am tired of having to speak my mind. i would rather people mistaken me for being the spoilt brat than to explain myself because i learnt from my past, explaining does not help much.
i have a serious hate, i detest people coming too close, and come in contact with me unless i am extremely familiar and of certain relationship with that person. it makes me very uncomfortable.
i may be drunk at many occasions, but you should know better that as silly as i deemed to appear, i am actually sober and still aware of what happens around me.
i wished you had listened to me instead.
and you should know, mouths of the others, are never kind.
the world is unfriendly.
you were immaculate.
i am extremely insecure and scared and hurt and do not place trust in anyone. a facade i put on to disguise my weak part from revealing so that no one gets in. i need to open up which i know i never do because the fear of breaking apart overwhelms me.
i am a stubborn five year old boy who refuses my greens.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
i am single and unavailable.
FULL STOP.
no, i am not seeing anyone.
no, i am not hiding or having some underground relationship with anybody.
no, i am not interested in anyone yet.
no, i am not hoping to be in a relationship because i am uncertain, and i am happier now.
no, i have no one in my mind.
no, i have no interest in anything for now, and in the near future.
but yes, i am currently in the mood for asexuality.
FULL STOP.
no, i am not seeing anyone.
no, i am not hiding or having some underground relationship with anybody.
no, i am not interested in anyone yet.
no, i am not hoping to be in a relationship because i am uncertain, and i am happier now.
no, i have no one in my mind.
no, i have no interest in anything for now, and in the near future.
but yes, i am currently in the mood for asexuality.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
a planned dinner with one of my best girlfriends, I, but at 1930, she was still home at Fernvale, therefore, i decided that i should call it off, and meet her on other available days instead.
with the ample time left before the end of the day, i realized, i needed some of my own space again. somehow, as i age with time, my personal area of my own becomes more consequential and significant to me. a time whereby i am lost in my own dimension, and is oblivion to almost every other thing that is taking place around me. maybe, it is an act of being anti-social, or a part of my introvert character revealing itself, but i no longer find myself being a social butterfly like before, as delirious.
i guess, it is just pretty taxing to constantly having to entertain everyone, and sometimes, being someone whom you do not want to be because of the presence of others.
i have acquainted with my i-pod, and in someway, it has transformed into one of the most important thing ever in my life. it brings me to where i want to be, and accompanies me throughout the journey whereby i wonder alone. a companion, who solemnly stands by me, and speaks in magical notes, which my ears, desire to listen.
i went to the bookstore, borders after my hectic, and unintentional insane run at gym. in fact, i cannot find any reasons to the sudden adrenaline pumping throughout me, giving me the strength to run at the speed 14. but i just kept running, neglecting the fact that my knees are beginning to weaken and eventually, i got myself so exhausted, i know i can sleep well tonight.
the bookstore is presently listed as one of my favorite hideout nowadays. it allows me to plunge myself into the words of the writer, and flow into the vast, limitless area of imagination my brain has. an adventurous place which i once thought, was very dull.
i bought two books, both of very different genres.
1. To Kill A Mocking Bird.
2. A Woman In Charge- Hillary Rodham Clinton.
well, i guess i have solid reasons to why i intended to splurge on them.
the first book is a classic novel, something which i used to have in possession, but was lent to, and never returned, to one of my friend back in secondary school. perhaps, reading it this time round, will give me an entirely different perspective and i have always wanted to re-read this book, but time, has never given me the immaculate opportunity to do so.
the latter, was about the life of Hillary Clinton.
it just occurred to me that i never exactly knew why i loved and supported her, for her run for presidency, and hopefully, the 44th president of America which she obviously did not. perhaps, the best reasons i could think of, was her charisma, and her confidence. Her beliefs, and her courage to dream and how she stood by her husband during the Lewinsky's affair. She was open, and dared to challenge, to speak out her mind. a quality, which i admired, and wished that, i have half of what she has in her. being a woman, did not stop her from fighting from what she held in her.
but these were gathered, all from what i perceived from the media, and undoubtedly, these could be just the most superficial part or the tip of an iceberg of her true self. there is more to the eye for sure. and i supposed, it does apply to our current predicament.
a judgment is usually pass off, based on the exterior reasons.
i cogitated that i should read more about her, how she grew up, and her days in Yale Law School, to really understand finally, why i have always been attracted to her.
anyway, this thought just happens to coincide with what i have been thinking of.
love today, has been broadly, and widely used, that it no longer means much to anyone, or anybody anymore. interest in somebody, usually commences from what you see from the outside.
people tend to believe in, "what you see, is what you get."
but, the unpleasant truth is, most of the time, you don't.
so when you say you like someone, have you ever thought, what are the reasons of your admirations?
humans are after all flawed, and definitely not impeccable. have you seen the part which has blemishes, and accept it? or have you just seen, what is displayed on the shelves?
perhaps the next time when we intend to love, we should read the "book" of the person, regardless of the duration of the time taken, to really find out the reasons, why this person deserves our love.
maybe this, will reduce the number of heartaches caused everyday.
with the ample time left before the end of the day, i realized, i needed some of my own space again. somehow, as i age with time, my personal area of my own becomes more consequential and significant to me. a time whereby i am lost in my own dimension, and is oblivion to almost every other thing that is taking place around me. maybe, it is an act of being anti-social, or a part of my introvert character revealing itself, but i no longer find myself being a social butterfly like before, as delirious.
i guess, it is just pretty taxing to constantly having to entertain everyone, and sometimes, being someone whom you do not want to be because of the presence of others.
i have acquainted with my i-pod, and in someway, it has transformed into one of the most important thing ever in my life. it brings me to where i want to be, and accompanies me throughout the journey whereby i wonder alone. a companion, who solemnly stands by me, and speaks in magical notes, which my ears, desire to listen.
i went to the bookstore, borders after my hectic, and unintentional insane run at gym. in fact, i cannot find any reasons to the sudden adrenaline pumping throughout me, giving me the strength to run at the speed 14. but i just kept running, neglecting the fact that my knees are beginning to weaken and eventually, i got myself so exhausted, i know i can sleep well tonight.
the bookstore is presently listed as one of my favorite hideout nowadays. it allows me to plunge myself into the words of the writer, and flow into the vast, limitless area of imagination my brain has. an adventurous place which i once thought, was very dull.
i bought two books, both of very different genres.
1. To Kill A Mocking Bird.
2. A Woman In Charge- Hillary Rodham Clinton.
well, i guess i have solid reasons to why i intended to splurge on them.
the first book is a classic novel, something which i used to have in possession, but was lent to, and never returned, to one of my friend back in secondary school. perhaps, reading it this time round, will give me an entirely different perspective and i have always wanted to re-read this book, but time, has never given me the immaculate opportunity to do so.
the latter, was about the life of Hillary Clinton.
it just occurred to me that i never exactly knew why i loved and supported her, for her run for presidency, and hopefully, the 44th president of America which she obviously did not. perhaps, the best reasons i could think of, was her charisma, and her confidence. Her beliefs, and her courage to dream and how she stood by her husband during the Lewinsky's affair. She was open, and dared to challenge, to speak out her mind. a quality, which i admired, and wished that, i have half of what she has in her. being a woman, did not stop her from fighting from what she held in her.
but these were gathered, all from what i perceived from the media, and undoubtedly, these could be just the most superficial part or the tip of an iceberg of her true self. there is more to the eye for sure. and i supposed, it does apply to our current predicament.
a judgment is usually pass off, based on the exterior reasons.
i cogitated that i should read more about her, how she grew up, and her days in Yale Law School, to really understand finally, why i have always been attracted to her.
anyway, this thought just happens to coincide with what i have been thinking of.
love today, has been broadly, and widely used, that it no longer means much to anyone, or anybody anymore. interest in somebody, usually commences from what you see from the outside.
people tend to believe in, "what you see, is what you get."
but, the unpleasant truth is, most of the time, you don't.
so when you say you like someone, have you ever thought, what are the reasons of your admirations?
humans are after all flawed, and definitely not impeccable. have you seen the part which has blemishes, and accept it? or have you just seen, what is displayed on the shelves?
perhaps the next time when we intend to love, we should read the "book" of the person, regardless of the duration of the time taken, to really find out the reasons, why this person deserves our love.
maybe this, will reduce the number of heartaches caused everyday.
Monday, June 8, 2009
the unkind truth has made my doctor put me on three inhalers.
the once forgotten asthma is reappearing on the major screens again, like a come back from before, that explains why, i had so many "breath taking" experiences for the past few days.
a disaster which led to me being paralyzed for many years, and also acted as a form of hindrance for my sportsman capabilities in water polo and swimming back in junior college days, i wished i could consume it down into my stomach and digest it so that it will never resurface itself, but sadly, i cannot.
despite the fact that now i am asthmatic, and in the most unsightly event, i might just concuss, and see the demise of myself like how Theresa Teng past away many years before without the aid of her inhalers, i still went ahead with exercising in the gym.
somehow, these few days without much stretching, i am beginning to find myself getting lazier, and the fact that i am not tired enough each day, deprives me of my early nights because i will be up late at night watching blockbusters. the gym, was a must.
the H1N1 flu, has started to arouse people's attention. my consistent coughing alarmed people around me, and like ripples in the pond, i realized people are shooing away from me. fortunately, i am someone who loves space and because of this scare, i managed to use all the machines i want at peak hours.
HENG ARH!
i guess tonight i will be able to rest soundly, without any assistance of the chemical drug.
:)
yayS!
the once forgotten asthma is reappearing on the major screens again, like a come back from before, that explains why, i had so many "breath taking" experiences for the past few days.
a disaster which led to me being paralyzed for many years, and also acted as a form of hindrance for my sportsman capabilities in water polo and swimming back in junior college days, i wished i could consume it down into my stomach and digest it so that it will never resurface itself, but sadly, i cannot.
despite the fact that now i am asthmatic, and in the most unsightly event, i might just concuss, and see the demise of myself like how Theresa Teng past away many years before without the aid of her inhalers, i still went ahead with exercising in the gym.
somehow, these few days without much stretching, i am beginning to find myself getting lazier, and the fact that i am not tired enough each day, deprives me of my early nights because i will be up late at night watching blockbusters. the gym, was a must.
the H1N1 flu, has started to arouse people's attention. my consistent coughing alarmed people around me, and like ripples in the pond, i realized people are shooing away from me. fortunately, i am someone who loves space and because of this scare, i managed to use all the machines i want at peak hours.
HENG ARH!
i guess tonight i will be able to rest soundly, without any assistance of the chemical drug.
:)
yayS!
Sunday, June 7, 2009
since i had so much time at home, i decided to do some things that are kinder to myself.
after all, the harsh cold bug has consumed the supposedly radiant skin i had, the only word which is probably best to describe my current state of myself; CHUI.
so i ventured upon my gates that barricades me from the outside world and into my car to go to Sasa at Great World City, my favourite shopping mall, and cogitated that i should start spending a bit more time and cash on my personal appearance, since my model-like cousin in Taiwan has convinced me that the process of preserving one's beauty starts from young. Wrinkles are never reversible unless we want to look unnatural with the botox under the skin, making each smile that was so once beautifully hanging on our faces, awkward and perhaps, stiff.
emotionless, is maybe, the best word then.
in the end, i found out that loving one self, is truly exorbitant.
1. cleanser
2. toner
3. moisturizer
4. hydrating gel
5. sun block
the salesgirl managed to convince me to part away with $300 from my pocket.
you can hereby declare me bankrupt.
thankfully, she gave me a free gift, it's called home peeling whatever and till now, i have no idea what is the purpose of the entire changing skin process.
nonetheless, the air outside is so great. i think my nose is getting rusty, after being caged for a more than a week.
then i realized, i will be confined for more days, because i still need to go to the doctor the THIRD time since i am not yet fully recovered, and i have swallowed all the available pills that he, the one in white coat, has prescribed for me.
kns.
when is this stubborn shit going to stool out of my butt.
i am gettting FRUSTRATED.
i want to WATCH A MOVIE, and go drink high tea.
i want TO BE A SHAO YE.
ARGH.
after all, the harsh cold bug has consumed the supposedly radiant skin i had, the only word which is probably best to describe my current state of myself; CHUI.
so i ventured upon my gates that barricades me from the outside world and into my car to go to Sasa at Great World City, my favourite shopping mall, and cogitated that i should start spending a bit more time and cash on my personal appearance, since my model-like cousin in Taiwan has convinced me that the process of preserving one's beauty starts from young. Wrinkles are never reversible unless we want to look unnatural with the botox under the skin, making each smile that was so once beautifully hanging on our faces, awkward and perhaps, stiff.
emotionless, is maybe, the best word then.
in the end, i found out that loving one self, is truly exorbitant.
1. cleanser
2. toner
3. moisturizer
4. hydrating gel
5. sun block
the salesgirl managed to convince me to part away with $300 from my pocket.
you can hereby declare me bankrupt.
thankfully, she gave me a free gift, it's called home peeling whatever and till now, i have no idea what is the purpose of the entire changing skin process.
nonetheless, the air outside is so great. i think my nose is getting rusty, after being caged for a more than a week.
then i realized, i will be confined for more days, because i still need to go to the doctor the THIRD time since i am not yet fully recovered, and i have swallowed all the available pills that he, the one in white coat, has prescribed for me.
kns.
when is this stubborn shit going to stool out of my butt.
i am gettting FRUSTRATED.
i want to WATCH A MOVIE, and go drink high tea.
i want TO BE A SHAO YE.
ARGH.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
an overdued post for the anniversary.
a facade in progress.
each day passes by, and the second hand keeps moving along the circular motion it is destined to take. it does not stop, until one day, the stored chemical energy supply in the man-made container depletes, and it becomes incapable to continue its reason for existence.
everything comes to an end.
a seed, a bud, a plant, and a rose, then as it blossoms into its glorious beauty, flaunting the magnificent red of nature, it also starts to wither, and returns to dust.
what is the original purpose of it since all revolves back to nowhere and what lies behind this cycle of live, and death.
the bible states that death is only the beginning, but who sees beyond that. faith is all we hold on to, but how far does this thing we called faith see us through?
maybe i am not so much of a devoted, and a loyal catholic.
i think about the end of my presence each day, and i wonder of the reasons why i lie here. me, being so small compared to the dimensions of this planet earth, this galaxy, is just too insignificant. how much of my voice do you hear when i attempt to scream my lungs out on the tip of the highest mountain. after the day which i descend back into the origins of the soil, what is left behind, and what continues?
two years have fallen behind, i was being left back there, mourning over the split milk, and wondering why you never called.
a shadow cast upon me, i see sombre grey clouds each day hovering above my head, with the thunderous lightning being the only source of light, which emanates my entire life periodically.
i pondered hard when the questions threw upon me when have i not moved on, and realized, the emotions of the heart, has died, and there was nothing to feel anymore.
maybe for this reason, i chose to be solitary, or perhaps, the pain was too excruciating, or petrifying to feel again. it is not an excuse, but i am just practically stating the undeceiving facts.
simple as it seems for others, but who knows, and exactly feel what i have in me.
will you hear me out, and not run away after learning the callous truth which hides behind this masquerade?
the lights on the streets continue to shine resplendently upon striking seven each day, the stock markets bust insanely at nine sharp. our lives are so crazily busy, we missed out so many small details in our paths of journey each day.
out there in the crowd, do you notice the "paltry" me, sitting there alone.
life today, is what we have made out of, ourselves.
superficiality, busyness, selfishness, anger, sadness and all, are the results of our mankind's hands.
each day passes by, and the second hand keeps moving along the circular motion it is destined to take. it does not stop, until one day, the stored chemical energy supply in the man-made container depletes, and it becomes incapable to continue its reason for existence.
everything comes to an end.
a seed, a bud, a plant, and a rose, then as it blossoms into its glorious beauty, flaunting the magnificent red of nature, it also starts to wither, and returns to dust.
what is the original purpose of it since all revolves back to nowhere and what lies behind this cycle of live, and death.
the bible states that death is only the beginning, but who sees beyond that. faith is all we hold on to, but how far does this thing we called faith see us through?
maybe i am not so much of a devoted, and a loyal catholic.
i think about the end of my presence each day, and i wonder of the reasons why i lie here. me, being so small compared to the dimensions of this planet earth, this galaxy, is just too insignificant. how much of my voice do you hear when i attempt to scream my lungs out on the tip of the highest mountain. after the day which i descend back into the origins of the soil, what is left behind, and what continues?
two years have fallen behind, i was being left back there, mourning over the split milk, and wondering why you never called.
a shadow cast upon me, i see sombre grey clouds each day hovering above my head, with the thunderous lightning being the only source of light, which emanates my entire life periodically.
i pondered hard when the questions threw upon me when have i not moved on, and realized, the emotions of the heart, has died, and there was nothing to feel anymore.
maybe for this reason, i chose to be solitary, or perhaps, the pain was too excruciating, or petrifying to feel again. it is not an excuse, but i am just practically stating the undeceiving facts.
simple as it seems for others, but who knows, and exactly feel what i have in me.
will you hear me out, and not run away after learning the callous truth which hides behind this masquerade?
the lights on the streets continue to shine resplendently upon striking seven each day, the stock markets bust insanely at nine sharp. our lives are so crazily busy, we missed out so many small details in our paths of journey each day.
out there in the crowd, do you notice the "paltry" me, sitting there alone.
life today, is what we have made out of, ourselves.
superficiality, busyness, selfishness, anger, sadness and all, are the results of our mankind's hands.
still a sick bear.
7th day.
it has been a week since my incessant coughing rage out of my lungs.
for a moment, i thought my cough was a perpetual characteristic of my vocal communication. now, finally, it is on the route of recovery. signs of lesser frequency coughing is appearing and i am beginning to breathe better. there was a period whereby i could go no where without my inhaler.
at times, when my cough gets enough attention outside, everyone appears to shoo away from me. it becomes a rather awkward situation and i will excuse myself in case anyone thinks that i am one of the h1n1 flu carrier.
hopefully, i will be fine again, and mummy will release me from the state of being chained up at home.
i feel like going to Maldives, i heard the ocean there is really beautiful.
maybe i should go there with my sun block before school reopens:)
it has been a week since my incessant coughing rage out of my lungs.
for a moment, i thought my cough was a perpetual characteristic of my vocal communication. now, finally, it is on the route of recovery. signs of lesser frequency coughing is appearing and i am beginning to breathe better. there was a period whereby i could go no where without my inhaler.
at times, when my cough gets enough attention outside, everyone appears to shoo away from me. it becomes a rather awkward situation and i will excuse myself in case anyone thinks that i am one of the h1n1 flu carrier.
hopefully, i will be fine again, and mummy will release me from the state of being chained up at home.
i feel like going to Maldives, i heard the ocean there is really beautiful.
maybe i should go there with my sun block before school reopens:)
Friday, June 5, 2009
people love to wag their tongues about others. fabricating things that probably were non-existence just because, they find it fun or perhaps, gain something out of these juicy news that they have made up of.
honestly, when people does such things, i can only come out with one reason to why they might enjoy doing such lame, but preposterous act.
1. to gain some form of fame
i mean, let's just put it this way, you got the news of the hot favorite and because of this, you get all the attention to yourself from the table. everyone is tuning in to you, and for the moment, you are the one. (pardon me, i do not mean to sound narcissistic. only applies to those who loves talking about me.)
grow up.
and that is my advice to you.
i am so jaded hearing the number of people i am seeing and slept with when in fact, i think i have not revealed my groin to anyone for quite some time that fungi might actually be starting their own habitations around. And, for goodness sake, i am bloody hell single, and that has been the case, for two years.
but frankly speaking, it is not that bad, to be standing alone in the conjunction of your life, because nothing is dragging you back.
so, let me say, i am not bothered, but it does tickle me when it gets into my ears that i am such a favorite amongst some of your topic of conservation. in fact, i am flattered:)
whee!
i am so in love with one song.
check it out!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xsp3_a-PMTw
supermassive black hole-muse
the lyrics rock like hell, and if you do find it familiar like i do, i realized, it is one of the theme song from Twilight.
how sweet! :)
honestly, when people does such things, i can only come out with one reason to why they might enjoy doing such lame, but preposterous act.
1. to gain some form of fame
i mean, let's just put it this way, you got the news of the hot favorite and because of this, you get all the attention to yourself from the table. everyone is tuning in to you, and for the moment, you are the one. (pardon me, i do not mean to sound narcissistic. only applies to those who loves talking about me.)
grow up.
and that is my advice to you.
i am so jaded hearing the number of people i am seeing and slept with when in fact, i think i have not revealed my groin to anyone for quite some time that fungi might actually be starting their own habitations around. And, for goodness sake, i am bloody hell single, and that has been the case, for two years.
but frankly speaking, it is not that bad, to be standing alone in the conjunction of your life, because nothing is dragging you back.
so, let me say, i am not bothered, but it does tickle me when it gets into my ears that i am such a favorite amongst some of your topic of conservation. in fact, i am flattered:)
whee!
i am so in love with one song.
check it out!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xsp3_a-PMTw
supermassive black hole-muse
the lyrics rock like hell, and if you do find it familiar like i do, i realized, it is one of the theme song from Twilight.
how sweet! :)
Thursday, June 4, 2009
twice to the doctor this week. i think he is beginning to find me a hassle.
the combination of six medication is driving me nuts, not to forget my two inhalers which i need to keep breathing in to make sure that my lungs are functioning and my asthma will not act up and kill me.
alcohol is not required now to get me the "high" effect because the drugs get me so drowsy, i get knocked out within half an hour.
owells.
thank god i am not having fever, or else, i might be on the 993 ambulance to TTSH.
the combination of six medication is driving me nuts, not to forget my two inhalers which i need to keep breathing in to make sure that my lungs are functioning and my asthma will not act up and kill me.
alcohol is not required now to get me the "high" effect because the drugs get me so drowsy, i get knocked out within half an hour.
owells.
thank god i am not having fever, or else, i might be on the 993 ambulance to TTSH.
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